I’ve always wanted people to choose me like I chose others. I know that I am not perfect and that I have flaws. I believed that I wasn’t worthy because of the friendships I cherished the most didn’t stick around as long as I expected them to. All I ever truly wanted was for people to truly accept me for me. However, I didn’t know I was doing it all wrong until I found my way back to God.
I strayed away from God for 7 years. It started off slow Junior year of High School and got worse over time. When I found my way back in March 2017 my emotions overwhelmed me. That was when I found North. North is a group for young adults who were either in college, not in college, transitioning after college or whoever that was simply called to be there. I remember the first two times I went to North I was holding back tears for two weeks in a row! Have you ever tried to hold back an ugly cry that it was so painful? Well that’s exactly how I felt. My whole body tensed up, my jaws were hurting, heart racing, face was getting hot, and I was blinking my eyes so fast to try to prevent the tears from streaming down my face. I was very successful by the way but that third week was when I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. I believe I cried every week after that for months!
Finally, after the crying every week simmered down I started to really dig deeper. What I realized about myself was that I was bringing my problems to other people and wanting them help me, not valuing myself, over thinking, taking my anger out on others, self shaming myself, and worrying about anything and everything. Realizing all of these I learned:
- God, knew I wasn’t putting him first.
- God, knew I was consuming these negative mindsets.
- He knew where he was calling me to be.
- One human can’t handle my problems, they have their own they’re facing.
- He wanted me grow in certain areas in this season of my life.
What’s so amazing though is that he knew I was ready even when I didn’t think I was!
When I would get angry or over think, I would make things bigger than what they were. I would also tell harsh truths or not even sometimes truth. I was allowing dark thoughts of what the devil was feeding me into my life and into my mind. It made me drift so far from god and believe all of those things he was telling me.
The expectations I had for other people was not healthy for me. I shouldn’t have to expect people to give me what they may not be capable to give me. Even if they did meet my needs, would I truly be satisfied from that? The answer to that is NO. The only person who can truly satisfy me and my deep desires is God.
I am so happy that I know now that I am important and I am valuable. Including anyone else who has ever felt this way as well. I love and care for others so strongly and to feel rejected, abandoned, or unwanted does not feel good. But, to know God knows the ugly side to us and will still choose you because he knows your heart. He also knows who you truly are and all the reasons behind all of it! Nothing beats the love Jesus has for me, by dying on the cross for my sins. By saying this, I hope we all try to remember that: no matter what happens, no matter the circumstances, God is always good. We need him. Our savior flows through us.
In Prayer,
God, give us vision Lord to see things like you do, through the mist of the good and the bad. When we feel like life seems to get in the way, to not forget that we will love you Lord, through all our days. We won’t be overwhelmed because you’re where our help comes from.
So thankful I found North, the new and old relationships that formed, and God helping me find my church home in Amarillo, TX. It’s not easy doing life with family living so far away. God knew what I needed and he provided! Lastly, my small group called “BLOOM” has forever changed my life and to have met such beautiful women that are so uplifting, a shoulder to lean on, encouraging, strengthening and more. Is all I can ever ask for in this season of my life.
Giving all the praise to our heavenly father. It couldn’t have happened without you.
Love, Nel
Nelshonika L. Broussard 