09 Friday Aug 2024
Posted in . . . pain, Disillusionment
23 Tuesday Jan 2024
Posted in . . . pain, Disillusionment, Gray, Question Marks . . .
I tried to cry
But the tears wouldn’t
Come, and so I
Tried to write
It all down
But the words
Left my mind
And then I got
My music on
And I
Tried to block out
The world
And I realized
It was doing the same
And almost all
Of us
Were
Trying to
Deal with our pain
In the same way
By burying the
Echoes of our
Torment
And overwhelm
Under the
Voices of others
And how they
Designed
Ways
To deal with theirs
Instead of
Facing our darkness
And trying
To conquer it
So we don’t
Have to hear
What our Souls
Are screaming
At us —
06 Saturday Jan 2024
Posted in . . . pain, Disillusionment, Gray, Question Marks . . .
It feels like living and life
Right now is to despair.
Coz life
Really doesn’t care
About you and me.
It doesn’t care where you are
Where you’re going
Or where you’ve been.
It doesn’t give a shit
About you
And your feelings.
It rocks your noggin
And keeps it moving.
It doesn’t give you time
To begin your healing.
It prepares to replace you
At the moment of your leaving.
It doesn’t pause for effect
When it hears you screaming.
It just leaves you there
Like you hold no meaning.
Life chews you up
And then spits you out
And because it holds your future
You go back for another round.
Because you can’t afford to stop now
Because you risk being
Trampled if you remain on the ground.
Life, as it is right now?
Exhausts you and
Grinds you down
Until
It’s drained you of every last
Bit of joy you’ve found.
Life has you wondering daily —
How loud
Must I scream
Before the world
Even hears a sound?
19 Sunday Nov 2023
Posted in . . . pain, Disillusionment
It’s
Burying what I feel
Under the rubble
Of darkness
It’s
A barrage of feelings
That I cannot share
Ever
Yet
It’s
Scary images conjured
That linger here and
Refuse to disappear
It’s
Shadows moving in dark corners
Double-checked with a torchlight
And there’s nothing there
It’s
Nihilism at its very best
It’s
Bringing on
The sad thoughts
And fuck all the rest
It’s
Doom-scrolling
Through the worst clips
In my head
It’s
You demanding of me more
And me being desperate enough
To give and give of meSelf
Until there’s nothing left —
Every time you demand
Of me to do this
It’s
Feeling no
And speaking yes.
13 Monday Nov 2023
Posted in . . . pain, Disillusionment, Gray, Question Marks . . .
To tell me
That
At least I’m ‘alive’
Is a cruel thing to
Say and
I will not hear
Of it.
Have you forgotten
That
Part of the
Business
Of my employment
Is to be there at
The start of life
And the end of it?
Do you think that
Just because I’m breathing
That means
Every single thing
In my life is
Better for it?
Until you’ve seen
What it’s like
To see a heart beating
With no life force
Attached to it
Do not speak
Anything of it —
04 Tuesday Jul 2023
Posted in . . . pain, Disillusionment, Strength
Everytime I think I’m
Done with you
All that dark energy
Forces its way through.
And all I see is
Black
And a world stained red.
Every thought is
Blasphemy
And anarchy
A sound, on repeat —
Click. Click. BOOM!
And I remind myself
That I had seen this coming
That all of this is
Just old news
But
I see your face
And someone mentions
Your name
And I want to rid
My World of you.
I want to tap into my settings
And press a few buttons
That block you from view.
Not just in these 3 apps
I repeatedly scroll through
But deep in my mind, too
And my soul
And heart —
You!
I want you to blink
Out of existence
To vanish like dust
Blown on the wind
And be wiped
From my conscious
Thoughts
And memories
And the stories
Of lessons taught
To me
By God
And Lucy
And my Ancestors
And Life and it’s
Cruelty.
I can’t stand you.
Will never do.
Be gone from me
Forever
You
B*
23 Friday Jun 2023
Posted in . . . pain
Nah.
𝗙*𝗨 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹.
I thought that I
Was healing
From all of that
Ill will.
But the moons
Aren’t with it
And my heart won’t
Take it.
I’ve been trying so
Hard not to feel it
But I hate you
Still.
Everytime that
Calamity rocks the Earth
And I survive it
I find myself wishing
That it hit you worst
Until you’re down,
Still,
Locked in that dark place
Where disaster
Struck first
And
I hope the cold chill
Of un-alive-ing
Arives at your door
And you bend
To its will —
Do you see what you’ve
Done?
What you’ve made me
Become?
Into this Beast
Out for blood
And in pain, deep
Tunneling into
My bones
Rotting every part of me
That’s grown
And distorting my prayers
And reshaping
Me.
Nah.
I scream
Like a banshee
Until all my breath
Leaves me
And my marrow
Turns to ice
And I’m dropping
To my knees —
“𝘽*F*𝙐 𝙎𝙏𝙄𝙇𝙇!”
Like a warcry
Shrill —
03 Saturday Jun 2023
Posted in . . . pain, Disillusionment
𝗗𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗥𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿.
𝗗𝗜𝗦𝗖𝗟𝗔𝗜𝗠𝗘𝗥 :
𝗜𝗻𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘁 𝗮 𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗺 𝗶𝗻
𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲
𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝗲𝗲 𝗮 𝘀𝗽𝗮𝗰𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 —
𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗣𝗼𝗲𝗺 𝗯𝗲𝗴𝗶𝗻𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝘂𝘀 —
°
°
°
I wouldn’t wish
What I feel
Right now on my
Worst enemy —
But honestly
I hope
When you wake up
Every morning
That you feel
The same as me
I hope that when you
Look at your
Vision board
You almost regret
It coz —
This is what
You did —
This is how you
Broke the very
Heart of me
I hope your soul
Splits in half
At the work
Of your devilry
I hope that karma
Comes back around
And pays you back
For your duplicity
Like —
I hope you regret
Every breath that
You take
For what you did
To me coz —
You’ve ruined
All the faith
And the trust
That I had
In humanity —
24 Wednesday May 2023
Posted in Disillusionment
I woke up this morning
Knowing that
I would
Be in a bad mood.
And then I saw you.
You
Faceless Phatom.
You dark deception —
Why did I have
To cross my life’s path
With the likes of you?
Of all the lessons
I had to learn
You were the worst.
I could have gotten
By, with this
Particular life lecture
In words.
You didn’t have to
Happen to me.
I didn’t have to
Experience you practically.
You didn’t have to
Get up in my feels
And have me hurt.
You didn’t have to
Be
Ever present in
My life.
Your chapter could
Have been left out
And I would’ve
Been just fine.
I wouldn’t be
Hypervigilant
Knowing you’d cross
Into my sites.
I would have gone
On
Knowing where not
To be
If you had simply stayed
Completely the fuck
Away from me —
29 Wednesday Mar 2023
Posted in . . . pain, Disillusionment
Tags
Anger, Anxiety, Art, Darkness, Life, Melancholy, Poems, Poetry, Rage, Sadness, Self, Story, Truth, Words
Somewhere
In the world
A kid left home for
School and
Never came back.
Because
Somewhere
In the world
Another kid
Put a piece of
Weaponized metal
In their backpack.
And then
Another kid
Found themselves
Fleeing for their
Lives
Because of that.
And now
A whole
Group of young kids
Have
Found themselves
Begging their
Parents
To never
Let them
Return to
Class —
JaneAuthor 