Category Archives: Gray

The Fade

05 Sunday Jan 2025

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My brain goes weary
And my heart with it
When I think of you.
Why?
WHY?!
I demand of both
Of them
As they put me through
The agony of your
Absence and
The misery of my
Empty hands
When I find myself
Rolling over in the
Dark
Reaching out for you.
But you’re never there!
And my mind and
My life’s so busy
That it just
Isn’t fair
Because I hope
That in my brain’s quiet time
That I’ll dream of you
But my thoughts don’t care
Because they stray
Into faraway places
Conjuring faces
That do not
Belong to you
And I cry myself
Into sleep
And waking
Realising
I’m starting to
Forget you…


Overwork

21 Tuesday May 2024

Posted by in . . . pain, Disillusionment, Gray, Question Marks . . .

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It’s that uncomfortable feeling
That you get
When you allow yourself to
Take a seat,
Just for a little bit
That sense of relief as
The tension in your knees
And ankles begins to
Ease —
But then quietly
Comes in
The unwanted dread.
And that guilt sink in
And it makes no sense
Coz
Why do you feel bad
Just as the peace is beginning
To settle in?
And the voices begin to
Scream — the perfectionists —

“WHAT RIGHT DO YOU THINK
YOU EVEN HAVE
TO REST?!”

All We Didn’t Say

23 Tuesday Jan 2024

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I tried to cry
But the tears wouldn’t
Come, and so I
Tried to write
It all down
But the words
Left my mind
And then I got
My music on
And I
Tried to block out
The world
And I realized
It was doing the same
And almost all
Of us
Were
Trying to
Deal with our pain
In the same way
By burying the
Echoes of our
Torment
And overwhelm
Under the
Voices of others
And how they
Designed
Ways
To deal with theirs
Instead of
Facing our darkness
And trying
To conquer it
So we don’t
Have to hear
What our Souls
Are screaming
At us —

Current Affairs

06 Saturday Jan 2024

Posted by in . . . pain, Disillusionment, Gray, Question Marks . . .

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It feels like living and life
Right now is to despair.
Coz life
Really doesn’t care
About you and me.
It doesn’t care where you are
Where you’re going
Or where you’ve been.
It doesn’t give a shit
About you
And your feelings.
It rocks your noggin
And keeps it moving.
It doesn’t give you time
To begin your healing.
It prepares to replace you
At the moment of your leaving.
It doesn’t pause for effect
When it hears you screaming.
It just leaves you there
Like you hold no meaning.
Life chews you up
And then spits you out
And because it holds your future
You go back for another round.
Because you can’t afford to stop now
Because you risk being
Trampled if you remain on the ground.
Life, as it is right now?
Exhausts you and
Grinds you down
Until
It’s drained you of every last
Bit of joy you’ve found.
Life has you wondering daily —
How loud
Must I scream
Before the world
Even hears a sound?

The Abyss

13 Monday Nov 2023

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To tell me
That
At least I’m ‘alive’
Is a cruel thing to
Say and
I will not hear
Of it.
Have you forgotten
That
Part of the
Business
Of my employment
Is to be there at
The start of life
And the end of it?
Do you think that
Just because I’m breathing
That means
Every single thing
In my life is
Better for it?
Until you’ve seen
What it’s like
To see a heart beating
With no life force
Attached to it
Do not speak
Anything of it —

Reintegration

27 Thursday Jul 2023

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I hate this part
Of the long night
Where my body
Can’t contend with
Being prone
Or upright
And the headache
Zips back and forth
From my nasal bridge
To my brow line
And I can’t decide
What feels better
Gazing into the darkness
Or closing my eyes
And I search hard
But I can’t find
That restful sleep
That I need right
Now
So I can be awake
By daylight
To do the things
That come with life
Like
Cook and clean
And laundry and bathing me
But by the time
The sun rises
I’m exhausted and
Aching
I can’t stand
The recalibration
The shift back
Into morning waking
And night sleeping
Like a regular human
Being
With regular hours
And healthy eating
And hydration
And relaxed reading —
Now my energy goes
To resting
And remembering to breathe…

We Are Tired

08 Monday May 2023

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It’s the
Sound of rain that
Wakes me up
After
Putting me to sleep
A little while ago.
And I
Wish that I could
Call in sick
From work
Knowing
Just how much I
Don’t want to leave —
To go
Into this place
Where someone
Will need my healing
When I
Am the one who’s
In dire need
Of rest
Of peace
Of breath
Of quiet
And relief
From productive thinking.
I wish I could
Spend a whole week
Just doing nothing —

When Lord When?

29 Saturday Apr 2023

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Most days I wake
Are like this
The alarm goes
And I wonder how
Fast I can fake it
Plaster that smile
On today’s mask
And count down the
Hours until
I can disappear
Into sleep’s dark bliss.
Most days I fight
To hide it
And most days
I win
If you can actually believe
It
I convince myself
It could be worse
Than this
And I remember that
It’s no way to live.
Forcing optimism
Where I know it
Won’t get better
And all these trials
Serve to teach me
And make me stronger
Like some kind of
God-written building
Of my character
With lessons that
I should carry with me
Forever.
I’ve grown tired
Of the tests and scores
That make me wonder
What I’m being measured
For
Or
Is this in prep
For something greater?
Something bigger?
And will I even
Survive to
Make it there? —

The Lonesome

26 Wednesday Apr 2023

Posted by in . . . pain, Gray, Love

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I had a dream
About a creature
Starved of connection.
It was so lonely
That it tried
Desperately
To steal my affection.
But it couldn’t keep it.
And it burned
It’s soul.
And left it with
A pain so hollow
Like it had never
Known.
And from the bottom
Of its fractured heart
It cried.
Its voice so raw
And agonized.
It pleaded for an
End
To its endless night.
It begged of me,
“Please hold me,
Or else I die.”

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