5 Tips on Surviving the Empty Nest

It’s a rite of passage for every parent: the moment when your last child leaves home and you’re left alone in a house that suddenly feels much too quiet and way too big. If you’re feeling a little lost and lonely, take heart—you’re not alone. Here are some tips for how to survive the empty nest.

Get involved in your community

One of the best ways to fight off feelings of loneliness is to get involved in your community. There are plenty of opportunities to volunteer, whether it’s coaching a Little League team or working at the local animal shelter. Not only will you be helping others, you’ll also be meeting new people and making new friends.

Pursue your hobbies and interests

Now that you have more free time on your hands, why not use it to pursue some of your own hobbies and interests? Whether it’s taking up painting or finally getting around to reading that book you’ve been meaning to start, now is the perfect time to do something just for yourself.

Spend time with your partner.

If you’re married or in a long-term relationship, this is a great opportunity to reconnect with your partner. With the kids gone, you’ll have more time for date nights or weekend getaways—make the most of it!

Finally,

The empty nest can be a tough transition for any parent, but it doesn’t have to be all bad. Use this time to reconnect with your spouse, pursue your hobbies, and get involved in your community. Before you know it, you’ll be adjusting just fine.

As Semisonic would say “every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end”

Passion, purpose and practicality

If you’ve been around me for any period of time, you know that I’ve gone through some pretty significant changes in the past few years. I went from a career I loved, one I truly felt was a calling, to having to retire early for medical reasons. After that I’ve never really found anything to take it’s place. Yes, I can do almost anything and without being too conceited, I can learn and excel at most jobs. For a short time, I found some satisfaction in teaching the new skills I had learned to others just starting their real estate careers, however, it was nowhere near as fulfilling as what I was used to.

I’ve tried starting my own business doing things I enjoyed as hobbies, however I didn’t see them as anymore than that and my heart wasn’t really in it. All along my husband has been quite supportive and pretty much accepted whatever ideas I may present to him.

Recently, I have been researching what it would entail to reinstate my nursing license as that is truly my passion. Particularly in labor & delivery, newborn care and education/support of expectant and new parents. I’d love to incorporate this excitement alongside my desire to own my own business and the best way I can think to do this would be to open a birthing center. I brought this up to the husband earlier and while he’d never discourage me, he DID kind of roll his eyes as if it’s another of my manic endeavors.

Honestly, I’ve spent hours today researching what this would entail. At first I thought I’d renew my nursing license, however to be a NURSE midwife I’d need to get my Masters and – well, ain’t nobody got time for that!! What I’ve learned is that South Carolina allows “lay” midwives to get certified, and while the scope of practice is limited, I could still deliver babies, care for newborns, teach newborn care, childbirth classes, CPR and other community/women’s health asked classes.

I have located a training course that is affordable and fits both my schedule and my wallet. I have developed the basic idea surrounding the business model, including partnerships with others who could bring value to the same demographic. Massage therapists, lactation consultants, chiropractors, and other professionals who can offer solutions to the needs of the clientele.

Am I crazy to think I can do this? Am I at the age and in the circumstance that I just settle for a paycheck (as a real estate agent it’s not terribly consistent) or follow my passion – that could eventually be lucrative – however more importantly it fulfills my need to be relevant, to matter, to make an impact?

I know there are also significant concerns around this type of work. Insurance, equipment, startup fees, location rentals, etc. I just feel that with the right energy (and maybe some investors who believe in my passion and mission) I could really make this happen.

Seriously though, am I crazy? Should I write this off as a middle of the night manic rabbit hole or do I seriously and truly put my full effort behind this and go back to what I love to do?

blue dots

You know…

I used to be this person – willing and able to finish the HARD things – because it’s what’s good for me, or because it makes me feel better. I’ve never cared much for awards, celebrations or recognition and now I wonder if that’s because I always knew I couldn’t win or finish so pretending it didn’t matter was my coping mechanism.

Unfortunately, it’s gotten way out of hand. My lack of desire to even START something anymore far eclipses the previous disdain of recognition. No worries there, few people would recognize this version of me.

There was a time when I’d do hard things – like getting a college degree in my 30s with a toddler blazing at my feet, or moving 400 miles from “home” with 2 kids and no support, or walking away from toxic situations like a 17 yr marriage and a narcissist boss. I wanted to make those closer to me proud. I wanted them to be happy and know they could depend on me for anything.

Now, I am completely unrecognizable. Not just physically, but mentally as well. I love the IDEA of doing ALL THE THINGS and I’m insanely jealous and happy for those who are accomplishing HUGE things in their lives – I just don’t FEEL anything pushing or motivating me to do this for myself anymore. Total transparency, I’m writing this from my bed at nearly 3pm, unshowered, still in PJs and I DON’T CARE! Ok, that’s not true either, if I didn’t care I wouldn’t be trying to figure it out – why I’m neither happy or sad… just breathing

In my mind I WANT a “blue dot” on my Peloton everyday – and yet, there hasn’t been one in over 2 weeks. I’d LOVE to lose 75 lbs, not just for appearances, my health is suffering – you’d think I’d care , meh. Completing a challenge like 75 Hard or even simple ones like just getting dressed 30 days in a row are intriguing and still I do nothing about it. I claim I need accountability when what I truly need is to stop lying to myself and others.

I’ve stopped committing to people & events because I know I’ll back out or let them down. Yep, even with those closest to me. I don’t even show up for myself, I USED to show up for others however, that’s gone now too…

So while I watch (stalk) and applaud and envy you all on your accomplishments – big & small – I am not even to the point of caring to START much less finish anything at all.

this is me.

Here I am, loving my new hoodie with the built in mask from @forever21! I may have kids that are 21+ however i still feel young (most days!).

I’ve struggled in the past with abiding by social norms or traditional thinking in many ways. One very superficial, shallow example is that of women’s hair & fashion. I could go on a long tirade about feminism and expectations but that’s not the purpose here.

My point here is: DO YOU BOO!!

It has taken me nearly 55 years to do what I want with my hair and at least start working on finding my own style clothing wise without much luck…Take my new haircut for example(i LOVE it) however it’s not going over very well. It’s strong, freeing, bold & sassy and lets me be myself. Yet, I have that tape in my head telling me it’s ridiculous. That I’m too big, my face is too fat and I look “like a boy”…

I’m working my way through these negative thoughts because I DO like it, I’ll figure out the right makeup and clothing to show off the real me – the one that was hidden beneath uniforms and dress codes for most of her life … any suggestions are welcome (please be nice!).

Also… I’m not ready to give up my side part, my skinny jeans (the more distressed the better!!) and my vans!!
Tweet

I’m comfortable and I love my sometimes quirky style. I know I wear clothing others think is inappropriate for my age, or body type and that does give me pause when shopping or getting dressed to meet clients. I’d be happiest with my short hair, in skinny jeans & vans with a cute blouse or T-shirt & blazer – but grandmas aren’t supposed to dress that way, right??

I refuse to live in polyester pull on pants (as I sit here in my yoga pants – or flare leggings for you gen Z biotches!! 🤣😳🤣) or to wear a skirt/dress when meeting clients.

This is me: eccentric, weird, whatever you call it, whatever you think – it’s who I am. At nearly 55 years old I’m finally growing into the girl I was before everyone else told me who I “should” be!!

#aginggracefully #aginglikefinewine #agingwell #agingwithattitude #actyourage #wearwhatyoulove #wearwhatmakesyouhappy #undercut #shorthairdontcare #shorthair #blueeyes #blueeyedgirl #over50 #over50andfabulous #over50women

tired

When I look back on 2020 I think that the one word that will come to my mind is tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally… just tired.

The start of this year was just like any other. I had set goals, made plans, and had some momentum building. Then, just 3 months in the world turned upside down. Everything changed almost overnight due to an unforseen pandemic.

We had had to sell our home only a few days before the world stopped. The emotional strain of that “failure” weighed heavily on me as I sat, trapped within the walls of an unfamiliar house. While I am naturally introverted and the original stay at home orders were not terribly upsetting to me, that lasted for only the first month or so. Then, I began to grow weary being in a new place, scrolling through social media posts and watching non stop newscasts.

Stuck at home and having little interaction with others, it became easy to get overwhelmed with the sensational stories that were bombarding us from the media. Who knows what’s true, what’s happening, who to trust? Daily death counts and a nasty presidential campaign season and the negativity compounded as there seemed no way to escape any of it. Constantly broadcasting the worst in people, the violence engulfing major cities, political vitriol, and fear of an unknown illness the media added to the disconnection of society from neighbors, friends and any sense of societal ‘norms’ that might have once existed.

Eventually attempts were made to have virtual gatherings, happy hours, to reach out for some semblance of normal human interaction, however they were severely lacking. Our worlds were diluted down to Brady Bunch like screens filled with 16-20-200 other people in similar situations.

For awhile, we weren’t able to conduct any new business. This placed even more fear and stress on us. The non stop figuring in my head, the wild ideas to create new streams of income, the stress induced, vividly real and vaguely disturbing nightly dreams all added to the fatigue that was beginning to overwhelm me. Working from home, homeschooling, unable to visit elderly family members, banned from celebrating life’s biggest events and grieving the loss of life. All of these things drained our collective psyche making it less surprising to hear of the deterioration of society.

Eight months later and the mental toll has never been more obvious. The lack of motivation, the unwillingness to leave the house – even to go to the office are nearly paralyzing. I’m tired. Tired of hearing about wearing masks – not wearing masks. Tired of daily test results

Is there a word stronger than fatigue? Do I need to pull up the thesaurus? Do I need to create a word that describes fatigue on top of exhaustion on top of tiredness? Because that’s where I am in 2020.

challenges & successes

The last several days I have been reading blog entries, scrolling social media posts and watching tic tok videos all about the difficult lives of people I admire. All of these stories have made me wonder if all successful individuals have something negative or challenging in their past. Something that motivated them to push themselves harder and farther than most. Then I began to think back on my own story in an attempt to identify any situations that would have comparable results in my life.

Imagine my surprise when I realized I honestly don’t HAVE a hardship story. Sure, we were a lower middle class working family, and my dad was an alcoholic who wasn’t exactly present all the time. Nonetheless, the memories of my childhood are filled with holiday celebrations, neighborhood gatherings, Sunday football and summer stickball games in the street.

It wasn’t until I started talking about and planning for college that I realized that I might not have the same type of life my friends did. Unless I was able to earn a significant amount of financial aid, college would not be happening for me. I kept my grades up, aced an interview and won a full ride to the local hospital’s nursing program. That first 18 months of school was the most satisfying time in my life up to that point. I was proud of what I had accomplished however, I had constant doubts and thoughts of not being “good enough” for this new adventure. That’s when my life took a turn and I changed my path for what would turn out to be the next 20 years.

In retrospect I can identify depression and anxiety even then. Eventually I decided that nursing school wasn’t for me – I’d never be successful, I wasn’t smart enough to be a nurse anyway. I quit. I got married. I had a beautiful baby boy. I thought I was finally living the life I dreamed of. Then… I was cheated on. I got divorced. I lost custody of my son. I found myself drowning in self pity and substances, neither of which helped with the existing depression issues.

I spent a season indulging myself in some unflattering and embarrassing behavior. Bars, concerts, parties… I lost my job because I called out all the time. Regardless of what I did though, I never could quiet the voices that said I was a fake. I was useless. I wasn’t worth anything and so, that’s how I continued to treat myself.

One of those reckless weekends resulted in a second beautiful baby boy and a second try at marriage. Eventually, I would head back to nursing school with a different outlook. This time I had to do it to make life better for my family. Even though my husband was extremely intimidated by my success I was determined. I pushed through and accepted behavior from him that I truly shouldn’t have. I ignored multiple affairs. I cried in the shower so no one else knew. I pretended the words he said didn’t hurt. I persisted because my son needed me to.

Eventually I would graduate nursing school, get a great job and things were “good” for awhile. Not long after landing my first nursing job, baby number 3 and my only girl was on the way. I thought THIS would be the answer. Ultimately, she was … but it would be another 8 years. After we’d survived his deployment. After more infidelity. After a job change and an out of state move. Maybe NOW we’d be happy.

As I grew in my career and achieved greater professional success, my home life was deteriorating. I was emotionally and verbally abused on a regular basis. Every time I reached a goal, he would cheat, or lose his job, or “put me in my place” by reminding me that I was trash, wasn’t worthy of whatever it was that I had just accomplished. It wasn’t until I felt that my daughter was old enough to notice the behavior that was going on, even if she didn’t understand, that I realized a change had to be made. I couldn’t allow her to grow up thinking it was okay to be treated that way by a man and I SURELY didn’t want my son to grow up believing that he could treat a woman so poorly.

So, here I was, working my “dream job” flying around many nights in a helicopter saving babies and kids while leaving my own home alone because I couldn’t afford a babysitter. Threatened with a custody battle if I continued to leave them alone, once again, he weaseled his way back in to the house. He would stay overnight while I worked so he could watch the kids and, if I was home he was supposed to leave. I never could get him to follow those rules.

Things at home were terrible. I slept all the time to avoid having to deal with reality. I’d work as much as I possibly could, and pretending to be okay. I acted for so long I should have an academy award however, it took it’s toll on me. I was angry. I was hurt. I was defeated. I let it show in my behavior at work and truly put my “dream job” in peril.

I found a great therapist. I embraced the idea that I needed to work on ME. I recognized that I would be a single mom for the rest of my life and eventually I was okay with that. Just about that time though….

I met someone who saw something good in me. Even with all my imperfections and moodiness. Even with my checkered past and my spirited children. That was 11 years ago. I believe because of this man, because he was supportive and caring, because he took it slow and allowed me my distance until I felt safe – because he loved me, I am able to look back at my life from a completely different perspective and not feel sorry for myself. I can look back and truly not regret a single moment. Was it a perfect life – of course not. Am I in denial – absolutely not. However, were it not for all the events that led me to the place where we met – my life wouldn’t be what it is now. Love and time have smoothed those rough edges, overshadowed the tough times and blessed my family with a beautiful life.

Perspective is important. Some people tell me that I have been strong and that I have overcome. I’ll tell you that I simply did what I thought was best and whatever I had to do for my kids at the time. Just like any other mom would do. So, no, I haven’t had the heart wrenching, touching, agonizing stories so many others have however, what I DO have is my own story. It’s not over yet, I haven’t achieved everything I want and I can only hope that maybe someone, somewhere out there finds some inspiration in that story.

breaking point

We all have one. While it’s different for each of us, when we reach it everyone knows. This hasn’t been more obvious than it has been over the past 6 months. Whether we are discussing race relations, politics, COVID-19 quarantine or just the “simple” stressors of everyday life like homeschooling and job losses – we are all creeping ever closer to our personal breaking point.

I thought I was doing ok until this week. When COVID 19 initially forced us all to stay home, I was sooo excited! Those who know me well, understand that any excuse to NOT socialize is great for me. I honestly didn’t mind it for the first 3 or 4 weeks. Then things started to get a little bleak.

The worst thing for me was being confined to the house and having news coverage on continuously. While I didn’t have true fear surrounding the virus, I was becoming increasingly anxious about this “new normal” everyone was speaking about. My concerns for what happens next in this world were feeding my anxiety and I thought I was handling it well.

Suddenly, over the past week or so, it all came to a head. I found that I was unable to sleep without disturbing dreams, I was tearful and fearful. I could not leave my home without extreme anxiety and intrusive thoughts of dread. I could feel myself spiraling downward to a place I’ve known before, a place that was dark and persistent for several years. I have reached MY breaking point.

Thank goodness for an understanding husband and a communicative doctor. They both noticed the changes in my mood and behavior. I was aware of it, however, I thought I was hiding it pretty well – I thought I was holding it all together. After speaking with them both and identifying the solutions that worked in my past when I was in a similar place – we have decided to add that assistance to my routine.

Making sure to eat right. Being certain that I sleep at least 6 hours a night. Exercising everyday – even if I can only manage 10 minutes, I have to move! Going outside as much as possible – this one is very difficult for me, so even if I just sit on our back porch or patio for a bit, I have to start somewhere.

I share all of this not for attention or pity. This isn’t about a suffering competition. All that matters to me is that if there is ONE person who sees this and understands that it’s OK if you aren’t holding up. I think it’s more strange for those who ARE okay right now. There’s nothing wrong with needing help, with reaching out for support whether that’s talking to someone, taking medication or both. Get the help you need to figure out what works for you and never be ashamed or let anyone make you think you’re weak because of it. Reaching out takes strength. Asking for help shows your vulnerabilities and THAT takes unimaginable bravery.

You are not alone. There are people to help you – all you need to do is raise your hand. Don’t get to your breaking point and not have the tools needed to get put back together – no matter what that means for you. Let your break down be a break through!

balance & blessings

A friend of mine posted a link to a story today that declared 2020 will be the death of the working mother.

https://www.scarymommy.com/2020-will-be-the-death-of-theworkingmother/utm_source=postup&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=67167&recip_id=1871325&fbclid=IwAR0V-uY9gyh0iyo16iQCpVgvhJkm2jhVJo03F-ixxyvcIPY4l9dXvHeST14

Now maybe it’s because I’m an “empty nester”. Maybe it’s because I’m not being “forced” to work from home while home schooling my preschoolers. This mentality of the perfect mom myth and work-life balance gets under my skin.

First, take a deep breath and don’t let it get to you. Work-life balance is a myth – it always has been. We have convinced ourselves as a society that if we aren’t in a corner office or bringing in 6 figures AND adorably scrapbooking every moment of our kids lives in addition to creating ALL those amazing pinterest snacks and meal planning the perfect bento lunch box that we have somehow failed our families. We have put so much pressure on ourselves we all pretty much need medication – whether that comes in a wine bottle or a pill bottle we all reach for something to help us cope. Maybe 2020 isn’t “the death of the working mom” but the BIRTH of realistic parenthood. Recognizing and accepting that we all (mostly) do the best we can.

We should realize instead of balance what we truly need are counter-balances. Yes, there will be days when we forget to pack lunches or yell at the kids because we stepped on ANOTHER lego. There will also be days when you miss a work deadline or lose a client. Some days we need to focus more on being a parent, others days require us to be more of a career/professional person. We can hope that all of these things don’t happen on the same day – although there will certainly be days when they will.

We need to embrace our #pinterestfails. We need to acknowledge that the promotion we didn’t get was a blessing – to realize that to be a good mom you only need to love your kid! Honestly, I think it was our attempt to live up to society’s expectations over the past 30-40 years, believing we had to do all and be all for everyone is what ACTUALLY was the death of motherhood.

I take that back, actually I don’t think either situation has caused “death” of anything but simply a metamorphosis. An enlightened change that has brought us back from the extremes and to a more reasonable, realistic idea of what raising kids while pursuing a should career look like. To recognize that it WILL look different not just from our own past but for each family is the real blessing on 2020.

i’m tired

Not many people know I was once a preachers wife. it seems many lifetimes ago as I haven’t stepped foot inside a church since I experienced the pain of the destruction of that relationship.

Now, almost 30 years afterwards, yes, it’s been 30 years since I went to church. 30 years that I’ve fought against it because of my experience with one person who was the embodiment of what church meant to me. One thing I still recall from those days so long past is that one shouldn’t blame god or the church for the actions of man. Yet, I did. I built walls to stay safe. I refused to listen, to accept invitations to open up again because it hurts… it hurts so much…

Then last week, I accepted an invitation. I listened. I remembered and it wasn’t hurt I felt anymore. It was relief. Comfort. Understanding. I was once again being fed. My soul was filled with fire & joy. Listening to this man – this man I had railed so hard against listening to. This man who I judged based on previous experiences. This man in particular who I had built opinions about without ever listening… I listened now. Not sure why it was this day, this sermon – actually, I DO know why. This is the one that would speak to me, that would knock down that wall and get through to me after 30 long years…

I feel like a hypocrite. I know the cynical and sarcastic responses I’ll receive from friends and family who were with me 30 years ago and since. Some will be upset. Some will stop talking to me. Some will laugh or make fun or roll their eyes – or all of the above. Others I’m not sure how they’ll react.

For now though, this is what I need. To open up that spiritual side. It’s a part of all of us and wherever you find your soul fed best is where you need to be. There’s so much more to life than just our physical being and material things and I’m so tired of fighting against it. Tired of feeling empty and thirsty for something. Something I buried deep down a very long time ago – it has now burst to the top again and I can only hope that this will fill that place where the darkness lives inside.

quarantine

Day 7.

A week ago, this was all fun and games. We were in the midst of moving to a new home, keeping up with our growing real estate business and waiting on our daughter to return home from college for spring break. When the news reports of Covid-19 began, I didn’t pay much attention, to be honest. I thought it was just another sensational story from the media to induce panic. Luckily I still paid some attention and the more I listened, the more I realized that this was serious.

One week ago I was teased for staying home. I was met with skeptical looks and comments regarding my choice to work from home. Now the majority of people are doing the same. Those who are not, are the cavalier, the “it can’t happen to me” group and the “hustlers” who believe that this crisis is the same as others we have weathered.

I expend endless energy in the attempt to educate those who believe they’re invincible. To explain that our entire economy and healthcare systems wouldn’t be responding like this to something that was “just the flu.” Yes, I’m guilty for saying that very thing early on. However, I am also smart enough to admit when I was wrong and to change the course of my behavior.

This is not an easy time for me. On a “regular” day, a GOOD day I struggle to remain productive. My chronic, acute depression lives just under the surface and is only held at bay by a combination of good medication and a fairly structured schedule. I have noticed that when I get out of my routine, I forget my medication or take it irregularly and have no accountability, I quickly fall into the darkness – even though I know I have no real reason. I’m learning many lessons about myself including that I have a true struggle with self accountability as well as maintaining a personal schedule. I am a planning professional – it’s execution where I fail.

My intention in sharing this is not to garner pity or to draw attention to myself. I know that if I’m struggling during this time that others are as well and if that’s YOU, I want you to know it’s okay. You aren’t the only one. If there was ever a time to feel anxious and afraid, this is probably it.

HOWEVER, we (I) cannot allow ourselves (me) to fall into the abyss of depression. We must utilize technology – it is 2020. While we must practice “social distancing” in order to do our part to alleviate the spread of this contagion, we have amazing ways to continue to remain in contact with our friends – USE THEM!! (I say this mostly to myself because I am guilty of withdrawing and cocooning then the downward spiral comes more quickly).

Check in on your strong friends, they are the ones who put all their energy into being there to help others – they aren’t the best at admitting they need help themselves. If you ARE that strong friend – don’t be afraid to be vulnerable right now. Be honest when someone asks how you’re doing, it’s ok to not be okay. It’s NOT okay to go through this alone…

Faith Over Fifty

midlife, mental health and menopause