None of it really matters

2 Comments

So there I laid, with this black-haired, fresh born baby on my belly. At that moment, I had the thought: “None of it really matters. None of it really matters at all. You are here, and I am forever changed”. Justise Elianna had entered the world and she was perfect.

But…I’m skipping ahead.

On Tuesday, January 8th, I was 3 days overdue, running errands with my mom, and a driver ran a red light at Pasadena Ave & Bellefontaine ave and hit my Rav-4. I was driving, my mom was in the passenger seat…and we got into a car accident. Like any 10 months, pregnant soon-to-be-mother…this was a nightmare. I sat there in the driver’s seat in complete shock. The police came, paramedics checked me out, and the Pasadena firemen were exceptionally helpful (including a dad from Fellowship Kids…thanks Jesus).

As we drove to the hospital, absolutely every worst thought went through my mind. I just sat there begging my baby to kick, stretch, move…anything. “Why wasn’t she moving?”, I just kept repeating in my head. It wasn’t until we were at the hospital and I saw the ultrasound with her strong heartbeat that I knew she was completely fine. But was I?

The doctor said my contractions were Braxton Hicks and to go home, take a bath and relax. I was leaking a bit of amniotic fluid, but nothing to be worried about, yet. I called my midwife and she said the same. So far, everything seemed normal.

The next day, I went to the chiropractor, (which I had been doing as part of my prenatal care) to get adjusted. Mid adjustment…my water broke. Yes, there on the table…there was a gush. Totally something out of a movie.

So…here we go! That’s it! One of the major signs of labor, right?! Nope.

For those who have followed my story, you know that I was planning an out of hospital birth. Paul and I were planning to deliver our girl at a Birth Center in Santa Clarita with our amazing midwives.  For lots of reasons, that I won’t go into on this blog, we wanted as natural of an experience as we could get.

When I called and told my midwife my water broke, she told me to rest, eat and to call her the next day. She anticipated I would be in active labor overnight and deliver on the morning of the 10th.

Cool…so we waited.

The morning of the 10th came and still nothing. My contractions were sporadic with no rhyme or reason. Not active labor. Not good.

Note: This becomes troublesome when you approach 24 hours with your water broken as you risk infection.

I went to the birth center and she broke the news to me that my labor was not progressing and that I was going to have to be induced. That I would risk out of her care and have to go to the hospital.

What?! I had waited 10 LONG months for this beautiful moment, and you’re telling me I have to throw ALL of that planning and anticipation out the window???

As we made our way to Kaiser Sunset, I looked out the window the entire drive, tears in my eyes, and I had to work through the thoughts about my plan betraying me. This WASN’T THE PLAN.

I wasn’t supposed to get into a car accident.
My water was not supposed to be broken.
My body should have gone into natural labor.
I shouldn’t have needed any interventions.
I was supposed to have a 100% natural labor.
God, you’re going to have to help me let go of this because this was SO important to me.
I did everything right. Why wasn’t this going according to plan?

So we got to Kaiser and they started me on a Pitocin drip to induce my labor. Then came the hard work.

I began Pitocin at 6:30pm on 1/10. During that time, I labored with two monitors on me, one for fetal heart rate and one for my contractions. 

Thankfully Kaiser had the remote monitors so I could move around throughout my now very active labor. I refuse to tell you what happened during those hours lol. Maybe ask me in person.

THIS IS WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING…

I was 5cm dilated at 11:27pm and they told me that they wanted to do internal fetal monitoring because I was moving too much during contractions (DUH!) and they weren’t able to monitor the baby’s heartbeat with the remote fetal monitor. I was NOT down for that option. I asked my doctor for a few minutes to talk it over with Paul and my mom.

The choices were: 1)  internal fetal monitoring or 2) me on an epidural so I could stay still for fetal monitoring during contractions.

I was going to do the epidural because I DID NOT want the internal fetal monitor. If it was between her safety and my preferences, her safety wins EVERY TIME. NO QUESTIONS ABOUT IT. 

BUT THEN

11:38pm – I felt the urge to push…the doctors were concerned because they thought it was too soon for me to feel that and I could’ve done some major damage to my body if I pushed. They checked me and I was 8cm!

It’s important to note that at that moment the anesthesiologist walked in and I literally yelled “Get out!” because I knew it was WAY too late and that this girl was on her way! 

11:47pm – I felt the urge to push again and it was SUPER intense. They checked me and I was 11cm dilated!

As I pushed, the incredible staff were there cheering me on! Every push, they would erupt with praise and encouragement. Every time I needed to rest, they would be silent and respect my resting. My mom was in the corner crying tears of joy and my husband was holding my hand and honestly, I don’t remember what else he was doing.

At that moment, I was IN THE ZONE. I could really only hear my mom, the nurse next to me, and my doctor. I knew I was moments away from meeting my girl.

I was unstoppable. I was a force. I knew I could do it and that my body was built to bring this baby earth-side.

I pushed for 12 minutes- 3 good pushes and she was out! Woohooo!!

So there I laid, with this black-haired, fresh born baby on my belly. At that moment, I had the thought: “None of it really matters. None of it really matters at all. You are here, and I am forever changed”. Justise Elianna had entered the world and she was perfect.

My plans were well laid. They were precise, thought through, and considered most contingencies. What I didn’t realize was how little I would care about my plans when my concern for my baby’s health and safety were on the line.

With her in my arms, I KNEW that none of it mattered. What mattered was that she and I had just worked really hard to make her entrance to this world successful.

And we friggin did it. No pain meds, minimal intervention. We did it.

Justise Elianna Lee was born at 00:00am (midnight) on January 11, 2019. 6lbs 14oz, 19 1/2″ long. 10 fingers, 10 toes. Not a care in the world.

I’ve learned a lot from this process.

One lesson: That I can actually be ok when plans change. That, in the middle of that change, the Lord will meet me, comfort me, and remind me that He legitimately is in control. Some of you might think that this is super fundamental, but what I need you to understand is that in my CORE, this is a huge deal for me. My sense of safety and security is tied to plans going well. It is DEEPLY difficult for me to shift with plans, especially life-altering plans like this.

BUT GOD…

He knew my desire to have an out of hospital birth was motivated by a deep fear. He needed to show me that, in Him, my fear is ALWAYS unfounded. That, if I am willing to TRULY trust Him and hand over everything, He brings about the most beautiful of things. Doesn’t mean that it’s perfect, but it does mean that it’s beautiful.

Where are the beautifully imperfect lessons in your life? Are you missing them? Or are you soaking up all of their goodness?

I pray that you don’t miss them. That you lavish in them.

If you made it this far…thanks! I love you. I pray that God spoke to you through this experience.

My baby is crying because she has a poopy diaper…I gotta go…haha.
Angela

Treading Water

1 Comment

IMG_0388

Lately, I have been feeling like I can barely keep my head above water. Life circumstances determined to keep me consumed with everything and nothing all at the same time. All of these things swarming my mental state and vying for my attention. All with the promise that one thing or the next will suffice. In the muck of that I find myself physically exhausted…which is quite a feat for an extrovert who thrives on people and doing and achieving…

And then it hit me…I’m using too much energy in this motion.

Let me rewind.

When I was learning to swim…my swim coach taught us how to tread water in a way that was safe and would keep us alive should we find ourselves in deep water. He taught us how to breathe and stay calm. He also taught us the proper techniques to tread so that we wouldn’t waste energy. In being able to conserve energy we would tread as long as we needed to until help came along.

Fast forward to now.

I find myself in this predicament of having forgotten this life-saving lesson from my childhood. Lately, I have been treading water…barely keeping my head above ground…all because I am wasting energy with improper technique.

Idk what technique looks like for you…but for me…unhealthy technique looks like focusing on fixing and correcting everyone else around me in order to divert attention away from myself. I have a dear friend who I talk to every Tuesday and this past week I made a coy confession. I said, “I didn’t like dealing with that emotion so I just decided to work instead…at least I can get that right.”

As the words rolled off of my tongue I wanted to throw up all over them. Apologies for the graphic imagery…but that’s literally how I felt.

I actually said OUT LOUD that I run to my work to avoid stress. LOTS OF ENERGY.

I confessed to coping with my demons by performing. I confessed to avoiding worthlessness with temporal worth and accolades.

The part where I trick myself is: I work in full-time ministry. None of my work is worthless…it’s all kingdom work…right? Eternal significance and all?

Where I have faltered is that the MOMENT my work starts being about filling my void and not an active, vibrant act of worship…it’s D-O-A!

I’d like to clarify that this is not my regular…but it’s where I’m at right now.

I am swimming in deep waters of my life and I am flailing. I am flailing and missing the lifesavers Jesus is throwing at me. I am so determined to do this myself I drowning myself. With every half-truth of how I’m doing, I take in water and flood my lungs.

With every grasp at significance, I cramp my legs so that they stiffen right underneath me.

With every box I force myself to check, I swim farther and farther away from the One who put me in the deep water to draw closer to Him.

Where are you missing lifesavers in your life? Is it people who are you are in community with that you’re not being 100% honest with? Is it your spouse? Is it the Word of God? Let’s peel back the layers and get to the tender truth.

I love you, choose joy,
Angela

I am a 1…

Leave a comment

Have you heard about the Enneagram? Some of you are saying “duh of course…” others of you are like “is that witchcraft?”

If you’d like to know more about 1’s in all of our “glory”…CLICK HERE.

Anyway – as I have dug more into my personality type…I feel like a lightbulb has gone off. I told a friend yesterday I feel like I am waking up. Not only to myself…but to other people. My compassion is deepening and my love for others is only expanding.

I feel like for the first time in a very long time, I am able to put into words thoughts, feelings, perceptions that I thought were just me and my jacked-up-ness.

That’s not a word, but I just made it one.

One of the things I have had explained to me is that it is in my very nature to see the world through a critical lens (yay). I can walk into most situations and instantly see what is wrong. Not the most endearing quality, however, it has brooded me well as a working professional. Because not only can I see what’s wrong, usually, I can systematically figure out how to fix it and share with you a solution. The best part is that when I offer suggestions to what’s wrong, I genuinely think I am helping. It’s how I show love.

Yes, you read that right…my critique is a way I love. For reals…I’m dead serious.

THEREIN LIES THE PROBLEM. Well…one of the problems anyway. 

I am SO FAST to jump into “rightness” and “solutions” that often times, I rely on my own instinctive drive to bring correction to my world. I assess and correct rarely with taking pause to ask My Maker what He thinks about it. Usually, this leads to frustration because rarely do others live up to my “moral standards” neither do I ever feel like anything is completely fixed.

On top of all of that – I have a consistent and unrelenting voice in my head telling me that it’s my fault as to why all the problems around me are my fault and “how dare I not fix those problems”.

It’s exhausting yall.

But today – in church – we sang this beautiful song where the lyrics read:

“God I look to You, You’re where my help comes from
Give me wisdom; You know just what to do…”

IMG_7246We sang this one line…and I wept.

You alone, Oh God, is where my help comes from.

Not my intellect, not my inner critic, not my “rightness”…Only God.

Yall – at this VERY MOMENT – this is ROCKING MY SOUL. Why is it that it’s so difficult for me to understand that the Creator of the Universe would know just what to do? And not only that…but that I can ACTUALLY trust Him with my vision?

Lately, I have found myself in stresses where I have felt overwhelmingly compelled to come up with a solution and to solve the riddles life has been throwing my way. The worst part has been that I’ve been feeling that way in an effort to alleviate the strains of life on those I love the most.

That’s noble, right?

Wrong.

That’s where I’ve been getting it wrong. I am no one’s savior. On my best day, in my greatest strength, my best advice is a tawdry tip of the hat to the One who reigns supreme and with whom all truth lies.

Are you listening, Angela? Do you hear that?

Gosh…this is frustrating. I just want to fix all the things. I know the right answer. Just let me do it, Lord. And in His gentle grace and mercy, I hear the Father say to me that it’s not about my rightness, it’s all about His glory. What matters more to me?

Ugh. I do not like that.

But…at the end of the day. I would much rather the words I speak, the things I teach, the posture of my heart, the way I live my life to point to Him. The Ultimate Healer, Redeemer, Waymaker, Restorer, and Savior. He is where wholeness, goodness, and completeness really lies. And He has SO MUCH grace and is pouring out all of that freely if only I’ll get out of my own way to receive it…and then give it to other people without exception.

Whew – help me, Lord. Pray for me, yall. I’m grateful that I the Word of God to help me at least process this one feeling. Thank you, Jesus, that you always have something to say about what we face in everyday life.

2 Corinthians 12:9 reads “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

WEAKNESS? Nooooooo! (that’s my inner critic…) God, you mean to tell me that I have to lay down so that You can stand up? I need to bow my head to make Your name great? Help me.

What does this scripture mean for you? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

I love you so much! Choose joy!
Angela

As seen on TV…

Leave a comment

fullsizeoutput_4fb0When I was a little girl, I had a very clear picture of what my life would be like when I grew up. I would marry the man of my dreams in college, I would stay home and raise our three kids, and life would be JUST PERFECT. Duh…isn’t that what everyone dreams of?

Instead – my dream has changed and shifted and now contains a husband who adores me and a bonus daughter that is literally a dream (most of the time).

We have some sweet sweet times as a #FamiLee. Lizzie poses just right for the cutest of pictures and says the funniest things on my Instagram story…it’s solid gold. And usually that’s the stuff that people respond to.

“Oh she’s so cute!”
“Oh! I’d want to be her friend!”
“Oh! You’re such a great bonus mama!”

All the right things…because it seems as though my little blended family is like the ones you see on TV. Totally blended, happy, and flawless. Social media for the win.

Well as most things seen on TV…that is a fallacy. She has meltdowns, I have meltdowns, she cries, Paul keeps the peace…wash, rinse, repeat. This is the part of blended family-hood that no one tells you about.

  • No one tells you that you have to be the one to pick up the pieces when the drop off from mom was a NIGHTMARE because she didn’t sleep enough last night.
  • No one tells you that you have to navigate “why” the rules at your house are more strict than at the other house.
  • No one tells you how to answer questions that come because the faith values (or lack thereof) in one house fly in the face of the faith values in your house.
  • No one tells you that you have to somehow figure out how to skillfully maneuver your way through thoughts, feelings, and emotions that you didn’t even think were possible before this tiny human entered your life and set up shop in your heart.

WHERE IS THE BOOK ON THIS?!

In all of this, what I am realizing is that I have NO CLUE what I am doing. That LITERALLY every second, I am dependent on Jesus. I am desperate for the patience that comes from closeness with Him. Not for my sake, for Lizzie’s. Because she didn’t write this story, she didn’t cause this to be her reality, therefore, she does NOT deserve to have to suffer any kind of consequence or inconsistency because of the choices of the adults around her.

And you know what I’m realizing about myself? I am selfish and sometimes I just don’t feel like doing that. What about me?

Yikes…Can I say that? Does that get my “bonus mommy card” revoked?

Usually when I’m in this selfish spiral, I hear the whisper of Jesus remind me that this is His “plan A” for my life. That He has crafted my heart and my life experiences to culminate into this beautiful, messy life that I have been presented with. Therefore, it’s not my job to figure out the “What about me?” in this life…just like everything in my life I need to be asking the “What about Him?” question.

What about God am I learning through this?
What about His character is He trying to draw out in me?
What about His heart do I need to lean into because my heart just doesn’t cut it?

UGH! GRRRRRR! BOOOOO!! Cmon Jesus! That’s SO MUCH!

That’s usually when He says…”yeah well so was The Cross”.

Ok Jesus. Fine. You win…every time. You win.

Friends…I’m learning…my heart is what He’s after. So that He can use my heart to win her heart to Himself. It’s not my job to understand. It’s my job to be obedient. So for today – that’s what I have to strive to be.

I’m not always gonna get it right, but that’s what grace is for I guess.

I love you, choose joy…
Angela
 

Almost doesn’t count…

13 Comments

leewedding2017-251edits-2leewedding2017-853

Greetings from the other side of a wedding….

I have survive:
– 5000 protein shakes
– Almost not fitting into my wedding dress
– All my family in town
– Friends letting me down because somehow during wedding season that’s a thing
– Friends being incredible because that’s also a thing 🙂
– The Wedding
– Becoming a bonus mom
– Going back to work 3 days after the wedding
– Summer in Kids Ministry (yep that’s why I went back to work 3 days after my wedding)
– Becoming a bonus mom (Did I say that already? I seem to be repeating myself a lot lately)
– Getting used to sleeping next to a man when that has never been my reality
– Cooking for 3
– Grocery shopping for 3
– Doing more grocery shopping (WHERE IS MY FOOD GOING?!)
– Looking through amazing photos of the best day of my life so far…

Now – we are two months into marriage and I gotta say…it’s not what I expected.

But to be fair, I’m not sure what I expected…but on day 3 when we were grocery shopping I thought to myself…”Welp…I think this is it…and I’m really ok with it”. Marriage has been this beautiful ride of twists and turns but somehow they are all ok because I have this precious human holding my hand through all of it.

Caveat– I know that our mom’s told us that when we say something and then say ‘but’ afterwards whatever you said before doesn’t count….so can you just bear with me a sec?

BUT – somehow…in the midst of all of that wonderful/gushy/lovely stuff…I am still feeling…just…inadequate. Can I say that on a blog? Can I call that out?

Well … I just did. 

It’s true. I feel inadequate….

…at work because I’m thinking about home.
…at home because I’m thinking about or catching up on work.
…as a wife because I feel like my husband is a better spouse than me. (He’s amazing yall and I know it’s not a competition…but he’s winning.)
…as a bonus mom because I have all the responsibility and none of the authority.
…as a friend because I feel like I keep saying “I can’t make it” way more times than I care to.

…in all the ways…I feel inadequate.

So much so…that I am beginning to think that this is my new reality. So now the question is…how do I deal with that? How do I deal with this feeling in a healthy way that doesn’t crush me? How do I express this emotion to people without seeming like I’m complaining and/or fishing for the “Oh no Angela that’s not true” cheap platitudes?

Can I just find someone who will look me in the eye and say “me too”?

I don’t need a hug or consolation, I honestly just need to know I’m not crazy. That somewhere along the line I will find a rhythm in this new reality. That somewhere along the line I will re-learn the dependence I had on Jesus in my singleness.

Somehow I forgot that.

Somehow I forgot that the Bible is so clear that His power is perfected in my weakness. That He is sufficient and enough for me.

Trust me – I KNOW all of that intellectually…but when the rubber meets the road, it’s a whole different thing to walk out. So in that, I am just putting one foot in front of the other, doing my best to show up well where and when I can.

Because I have…

…friends who are gracious and love me.
….a husband who I desire to love well.
…a bonus daughter who I love deeply and deserves for me to show up for her.
…a dream job where I get paid to do what I love.
I think that’s all…I’d love to hear your thoughts. Meanwhile…I’m going to go back to writing my thank you cards to my wedding guests…because two months later they’re still not done. *sigh*

Love you…choose joy!
Angela Lee (bahaa…it’s still weird to write that)

15 days and counting…

2 Comments

IMG_3101

So…in 15 days…I am going to stand in front of the man that I love and tell him…”Hey…I know this could get really bad….like…REALLY bad….but you’re stuck with me, I’m not going anywhere…and you’re stuck with all my crazy…you’re welcome”.

Then I get to KISS HIM! WOOHOO! We’ll come back to that later…

The vows will be slightly more romantic and sacred than that…but that’s the general idea.

THAT’S CRAZY. Who stands in front of someone and ACCEPTS a pledge for crazy, hard, and mess? I don’t know. But apparently…I do…so I guess…I’m crazy.

In the midst of that…this weekend I heard a REALLY great sermon from a pastor who I deeply admire and he preached about “Heroic Singleness”…and as I sat and listened to him beautifully exalt singleness, inside, I began to grieve.

Let me stop here and clarify: I love Paul…I can’t wait to be his wife. This message didn’t make me want to call anything off…I love my man…he’s gonna be my husband. Calm down. 

I began to grieve my singleness because honestly, it has been a GREAT season of my life. About 5 or 6 years ago now, my old pastor from Dallas challenged the singles in our church. He taught us the beauty of singleness and that it could be a season of our lives where we are able to live with completely undivided devotion to the Lord. That sounded GREAT to me…so I took that and RAN WITH IT.

  • I served as a volunteer Junior High Director at my church for 5 years.
  • In under 60 days I quit my job and moved across the country to go into full time ministry for a year and a half at Saddleback.
  • 4 months ago I transitioned into another church as a Family Pastor.

I have been able to MOVE AND SHAKE in my singleness. It’s been no joke. I don’t say those things to pat myself on the back – I say them to prove a point.

I have had a great time in my singleness.

And while ministry has not been the ENTIRETY of my singleness…it has been pretty rockin’ knowing that I was not so wrapped up in bitterness, anger, and jealousy that I missed when God’s wind blows on my life and moved me.

Over the course of the sermon this weekend, my emotions went from grief to affirmation. It felt good to be affirmed that during this season of my life, I lived it and used my time in a way that honors God. That’s all I want in my life. That’s it. So – thank you Jesus.

But then – a sweet friend asked me how I intend to continue that in my marriage.

GREAT QUESTION!

Part of the reason I am marrying Paul is because he has been super clear from the beginning that God wants to use our story to glorify His name. If you don’t know, we haven’t shared our first kiss yet…GASP! I KNOW. Again…crazy. 

We know beyond a shadow of a doubt…that THAT is a part of our story and how God will use us to glorify His name. Dating can be different. Purity is attainable. The list goes on an on.

So how do I intend to continue this narrative of living a life where I’m chasing hard after Jesus?

Easy – I plan to follow this man who is chasing Jesus even harder than I am. Full stop. 

Jesus has been gracious and is writing this really sweet story in us and through us and I can’t wait to see what’s next. So while I will miss my singleness and how I was able to demonstrate the breadth of God’s love to my students, small group, and others. I’m even more excited to see how I will be able to experience and demonstrate the depth of God’s love as Paul and I love each other as Jesus loves us. Ugh…so exciting!

I can’t wait. 15 days and counting…and we get to say some CRAZY words to each other…and I FINALLY get to kiss that man. What comes next? Stay tuned…I’m just as interested to see as you are…

I love you! Choose joy,
Angela

Well that escalated quickly…

2 Comments

If you don’t know my story — I relocated to Southern California in June 2015. Since then my life has been a series of house hopping, job training, learning, Jesus seeking, school starting, friendship blooming, and self dating. Yeah…I think that last one is made up – but I don’t care.

This is not my first time living alone, however, this is my first time living on my own in a brand new place with no family, friends, or safety net. Just me and Jesus…literally.

In this year and a half, I have learned:
– that I really like time alone..
– that I can’t sleep with dishes in the sink…
– I do have time for the gym…
– I hate putting socks together…
– I love entertaining people…
– I don’t call my mom enough…
– I am more handy than I give myself credit for…
– I love afternoon naps on my couch…
– I do not need another person to help me accomplish any of those things.

Now you may be thinking…geesh Angela, shouldn’t you have known that stuff before? Maybe…yeah…maybe I should’ve known that stuff sooner, but so what that I didn’t?

I have enjoyed this season because in the quietest spaces of my heart the Lord has whispered such sweet learnings about myself that I am not quite sure I was quiet enough to hear before. Learnings that have added such a sweetness to my life as I reflect on being a Child of God and His messenger all at the same time.

So in the spirit of transparency…as I dance through my first year in my 30’s, I find myself stuck between this place of already – not yet. I am already to be married and already to have someone fully know me and fully love me. But I’m not yet ready to trust and be open and have the awkward foolishness of a dating process.

And then this guy showed up. (And – before you X out of this blog, hear me out. )

img_0722

I would like to go on the record and say – I had gotten REALLY good at being single..hello read above…I was ROCKIN’ IT OUT.

I am SO good with enjoying the moment, walking in the calling God has given me, being in healthy community, having a great social life, seeking God first, ALL that…I am great at being single. Then this person inserted himself into my life, and shook EVERYTHING up. He has introduced this idea of folding another human into the fabric and rhythm of my life…and it has been literally, PETRIFYING. Beautifully sweet – but petrifying.

There have been a few times I’ve had to talk myself off of the ledge of breaking up with him…even when I had absolutely no reason to. I know, I’m crazy..don’t worry – he knows too…haha.

Now – it’s only been a few months, but here are some learnings from my time so far:
– I have trust issues. The Lord is workin on my heart, yall.
– I have to balance my time alone with investing genuine quality time into this relationship.
– It is ok to be vulnerable, that doesn’t make me weak.
– I have to teach someone how to love me well, people are not mind readers.
– That it’s ok to express how I feel…imagine that.
– That it’s ok to be happy that someone is kind to me….and that I actually deserve someone being kind to me. 
– That it is possible to have someone point me back to Jesus all the time without feeling like he’s parenting me, pastoring me, or bossing me around.
– That when someone creates a safe space for you to just be yourself, that you walk in that freedom and just be yourself.

There’s so much more – but I don’t have time for it. There will be many other writings on my learnings so far in this relationship….but for now, I’m just trying to draft them in such a way that it doesn’t sound like the rantings of a girl who is drunk in love. You  know what I mean? Who likes that girl? Not me….yuck. Ugh…gross.

Jesus is stretching me with this one yall….walk with me.

Choose joy..I love you!
Angela

Holding Pattern…

Leave a comment

hour-glass

I have found that in the world we live in today, it seems pretty cliche to say we are in the age of
“I want it now!”
“Give it to me!”
“I need a summary in 30-45 seconds or less”
Short attention spans
Instant Access
Instant Gratification

In 2016 that might seem cliche to say…but the reality is, it’s all too true. We are living in a day and age where all we want is what we want when we want it. SO SELFISH. Gross.

Unfortunately, what that has resulted in is this “instant gratification” mentality when it comes to our faith in God. Those of us who claim to be believers now have this insane entitlement and have believed the lie that God should work on our timeline and when we want it. THEN, we have the NERVE to be “angry at God” when The Creator of the Universe doesn’t meet OUR demands. So…backwards.

In my life, right now, I find myself in what I like to call a “Holding Pattern” that is for sure stretching my faith muscle. You know holding patterns…just like how flights are held in the air until they are given clearance to land. In the holding pattern there is this sense of anticipation that the landing is coming…eventually. In the holding pattern there is also a sense of accomplishment for how far you’ve come…and that you’re so close to the next thing you can taste it.

I am in that season right…now. In this season I have experienced really really great victories that the Lord has gifted me with. In this season I have seen His hand move in really amazing and unique ways. Also in this season, I’ve had to deal with some pretty rough hurts that have led me to a lot of questions. All of this has been in while I’m in the waiting.

The best part of this season, is that because of this sense of anticipation that I wake up with everyday. I now wake up with great faith, EXPECTING God to show up throughout my day…and guess what…He does. He shows up in the smallest of ways that have the greatest of impact on some of the deepest parts of my soul. I have walked into conversations, weekend services, dinners, fall retreats, staff meetings, and more expecting and excited to see God to show up. And not in some arrogant way…but in the same way a kid waits at the top of the stairs until their parent tells them they can come down on Christmas morning. That kind of excitement.

The kind of excitement that my Abba Daddy has something great for me RIGHT NOW in this Holding Pattern. Just like when you’re on the plane and you get to finish that show, or complete that last chapter of that book, or finish that meaningful conversation with the friendly stranger…I am getting the sweetest moments in the midst of the waiting.

Friend – how many times have you been waiting…for anything… and spent the time waiting complaining? This line is too long…the person in front of me smells…I don’t have time…I’m not getting any younger…I’m gonna be single forever…When will these kids learn…..

You fill in the blank…you know how you complain better than I do.

How would your worldview change if you simply stopped complaining about the waiting…and decided to enjoy it? Say “yes” to God today…you don’t have to wait for some major crossroad in your life where you have to talk to your life group, seek wise counsel, pray, and look for signs to say “yes” to Him.

Say “yes” to spending a bit of quiet time with Him.
Say “yes” to loving your neighbor.
Say “yes” to looking at Creation.
Say “yes” to making your words matter in conversations.
Say “yes” to kindness and understanding.
Say “yes” to self control. (Ugh…but I LOVE potato chips!)

Just…say…yes. And what I am learning (right now actually) is that when God sees you proving faithful to say “yes” when you need to and “no” when you need to…when it really counts, He will give you the most BEAUTIFUL clarity so that when the “Big YES” comes…you will be ready.

Enjoy the waiting…don’t rush the process. Don’t get bogged down by complaining in the waiting…try to trade those words for gratitude and see how that strengthens your faith in Him in the meantime.

I love you…choose joy,
Angela

Today is the day…

2 Comments

sunrise

One of my very favorite heroes of the Bible is  Queen Esther…she’s rocks. If you haven’t read the book…well…you should. Anyway…in Esther chapter 4, the Jewish people are in A LOT of trouble. Mordecai – her cousin who raised her – explained to Esther the peril her people were in and that she needed to go talk to the King. Esther rebuts that she is afraid to do this great feat that she is being asked to do because there is a great deal of risk involved….she could die. Yes, I’d say that’s a lot of risk.

Then Mordecai responds to her with one of the greatest challenges ever…he says in vs 14 “Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?”

That verse has ALWAYS struck me, but today in particular, it is striking a different chord. Today in my heart it is ringing “Who knows if perhaps you are in the position you are in for such a time as this?”…and I think the Lord is saying the same to you, friend.

SO MANY times in life we LOVE to complain. We absolutely love shining big, bright lights on all the areas of our life where we WISH something was different. We wish we made more money, had more power, had more love, had more appreciation, had more influence…whatever. Perhaps you are where you are for such a time as this. I do NOT believe in coincidences, I believe that God is sovereign (click the word to look it up) and that He is in control even when we mess things up. SO…that means that where you are in your life, is exactly where He wants you to be.

So what does that mean, Angela?
I’m so glad you asked!

THAT MEANS you are called to do the VERY BEST you can, right where you are. Excellence is not achieved by accolades, excellence is achieved in the process of getting to the end result. Excellence is the refining process that comes with every drop of sweat, tear wept, sleepless night, note practiced, ball dribbled, speech practiced, and sneaker tied. And you can be excellent RIGHT NOW. Don’t wait for someone to give you the promotion, raise, medal, or kudos to do the very best you can with what you have right now.

Because here’s the thing: we are not promised to have more than we have right now, today.

WHAAAAAT?! DID SHE SAY THAT?! Yes….I….did.

Truth is, it could all be gone tomorrow. Do you want your life to be marked by a mediocrity that plagued your everyday life because of a heart filled to the brim with complaint and dissatisfaction? Or…will you choose to look at today as a gift and remember that no matter WHAT you are doing, no matter your station in life, you were called to do this right now…and you are perfectly equipped to work hard and make an impact where you are right now.

In my own life, I have found myself frustrated and discouraged by my inability to do what I dream about for the future. I feel stifled and feel so entitled and I say stuff like “God why did you give me this dream if it’s not going to happen? You’re such a tease!” What a brat.

What I have realized is that maybe, just maybe, I am in a season where what is happening today is more important than my big dreams for the future. Maybe God is asking me to steward today’s blessings well to ensure that He can entrust me with those dreams for the future. And maybe I am not stepping into those dreams yet because I’ve been sittin’ with my lip poked out about the future instead of grabbing today by the horns and OWNING IT. But maybe that’s just me…

God is not a tease….He loves us too much for that. God is all knowing, all powerful, almighty, and the best part is that He is a Promise Keeper. So even though the materialization of those promises doesn’t always look the way we think it should…He ALWAYS comes through and delivers on His promise.

What promise are you waiting for today? Don’t just wait for it, be awesome right where you are and make the most of the waiting. There is too much good to be done in this world for you to sit on your hands and not do anything  until God gives you your way. Get over yourself. (yeah, I said it)

Perhaps you were made a _____________ for such a time as this. You fill in the blank…and now go be awesome in it.

I love you…choose joy,
Angela

No longer slaves…

Leave a comment

silver_shackles

In the book of Exodus the Lord sends a messenger…you might know him…he’s this guy named Moses to speak to this hard headed leader named Pharaoh to deliver a message from God

Let my people go. 

As a child, I heard that message, and I watched “The Prince of Egypt” (Great movie, RIGHT?!  I mean that Mariah & Whitney duet! ugh! pure gold…but I digress)…and I knew all of plagues and all of the “story” of when the Israelites were set free from captivity. However, tonight…at my church’s Night of Worship…something changed about that story. Something clicked. Something became ABUNDANTLY CLEAR.

We were singing “No Longer Slaves” and the lyrics of this song took on a whole new meaning to me! The chorus rings out “I’m no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God”…then the bridge declares “You split the sea so I could walk right through it. My fears are drowned in perfect love…you rescued me so I could stand and sing…I am a child of God!”

If you’ve never read the Bible before, the nation of Israel were God’s chosen people. They were THE children of God. They were called. They were chosen. They were His beloved. If we fast forward a few thousand years, our Abba Daddy sent His one and only son (His name is Jesus) to die on a cross to atone for sins committed past, present, and future. In putting faith and trust in Him, we become children of God. We are called. We are now chosen. We are His beloved.  

There is a but…

Sometimes – we mess it all up. Sometimes we (His children) get really wrapped up in the short term satisfaction that sin brings into our lives, so wrapped up in fact that our sin becomes shackles binding our hands just tight enough that we can’t raise them in surrender, binding our feet tight enough that we can’t walk in the ways of the Lord, and binds our mouth so that we can’t sing praises of thanksgiving to The Most High.

If you find yourself in that position today, as I have found myself way too many times, I have a message to the sin in your life:

Let my people go.

You and I, my friend, we have a choice. Just like the Israelites did in the Old Testament, btw…we can see God working tangible miracles in our life, beckoning us back into His loving freedom….OR we can choose to stay serving our sin, living in the dregs of life, living the lowest form of life intended for us.

No…thank…you. John 8:36 says: “So if The Son sets you free, you are truly free”. We are truly free. TRULY FREE. The dictionary defines “truly” this way: to the fullest degree; genuinely or properly. WHAT?! To the highest degree possibly YOU ARE SET FREE.

So why is it that we continue to choose the bondage again over the freedom of Christ? Bondage in our thoughts, bondage in our actions, bondage in our finances, bondage in our relationships, bondage in our pride…Well, the fact is that sometimes sin is fun…sometimes sin feels good…sometimes sin tricks us into a temporary satisfaction.

[LET MY PEOPLE GO] 

We only continue to walk in sin because we cannot be disciplined enough to wait for the longterm satisfaction that comes from yielding to the Spirit of God and allowing Him to satiate our needs. Instead of indulging to our juvenile lusts and desires, let’s tap into that Spirit of God living in us and exercise a little self control, people. (I’m preachin’ to myself…preach, Angela, preach).

Look – the fact is, I so desperately want for you to know that what God has stored up and prepared for you is SO rich and abundant (again, that’s a Bible reference…John 10:10…check it out). It’s completely outside of anything your feeble mind can imagine. God created butterflies that change from one bug to another…clearly He is more creative and can come up with a better destiny for us than anything we can try to conjure up. Let Him have it. 

Make the choice today – walk in the sweet sweet freedom that comes from walking with Him. He has already split the sea, He’s already done the impossible…now all you have to do is walk in it. So go…

I love you, choose joy,
Ange