The Campaign Against the Vampire King

    To the North of Falkirk stretches the Bleak Tundra. In the West of the Bleak Tundra is Voranov, demesne of the Vampire King. In the centre is Sarmat, where Queen Temyris the Magnificent has her seat. In the East, nestled against the mountains of Ymir's Teeth is the Necropolis.

    The Necropolis is the burial place of untold numbers of mighty rulers, and their magical items.

    The Vampire King (Ravenloft with all the cruft excised) has a castle, and an artifact which allows him to summon arbitrarily large hosts of skeletons (given time and corpses), and solicitors. The Vampire King wants the Necropolis, for corpses to swell his undead armies, and for potent artifacts. In his way is the vast expanse of tundra. Any march across it would expose his flanks to Sarmat, Falkirk, or both.

        Queen Temyris the Magnificent commands the Bleak Tundra, from her seat at Sarmat, by virtue of her cavalry army, the Akithians. Aside from the goods of steppe life, she wants to prevent the Necropolis from being taken by the Vampire King. But given the Vampire King's army was defeated close to a century ago, does not know that he is active.

    Falkirk is a town which, on account of it's large adventurer population lurches continually from crisis to crisis.

May 861
    The Vampire King contracts the Falkirk Thieves Guild to rob the crypts under St. Cuthbert's and ship those corpses (in crates marked "Experimental Earth") to Voranov by way of the "Purple Kine Cargo" Company.
    
June 861    
    This grave-robbing stirs up a ghoul problem in the crypts under St. Cuthbert's causing the rector Br. Payne to discover the malfeasance and call in some adventurers. (Session 6)
    Said adventurers manage to eliminate the ghoul infestation (Sessions 7 and following), but drop the ball on the grave robbing investigation. As the grave-robbing stops, the adventurers declare the problem solved and collect their fee.

July 861
    Pleased with the results of the Falkirk contract, the Vampire King sends his solicitor Quincy Morris to Mayburgh to organise a much larger contract with the Mayburgh Thieves Guild and the "Blue Ox Cargo" company for more corpses (roughly 2000)

Sept 861
    Two Highwaymen capture a shipment Voranov-bound from Mayburgh with associated paperwork. They discover the crates marked "Experimental Earth" are in fact filled with mouldering corpses
    To facilitate rapid communication w/ agents in Falkirk and beyond, the Vampire King constructs 2 "Pony Express" messenger relay stations between Falkirk and Voranov.

Oct 861
    A combined goblin-orcish army (partially bankrolled by the Vampire King) burns Falkirk to the ground. The orcs then betray the goblins, and as a result, both parties withdraw without either occupying Falkirk.
    More than 4000 of Falkirk's citizen's are left dead.

Nov 861
    Publicly, emissaries of Voranov offer aid to help Falkirk recover. Paying for the reconstruction of St. Cuthbert's, a Voranov Embassy, and Purple Kine Cargo, and the collection/burial of those killed, as well as sending food and other supplies.
    Less publicly, the Vampire King has purchased Purple Kine Cargo, and is shipping the "collected" bodies back to Voranov rather than burying them. (Between Nov 861 and May 862, more than 4000 bodies will be shipped to Voranov)
    A notice goes up in Falkirk offering a reward for information about the Akithians, and/or the head of their leader.

Dec 861
    A spy, attempting to collect this reward, is captured in Sarmat and turns coat in exchange for his life. Queen Temyris now knows that the Vampire King is active.

Jan 862
    Queen Temyris rides into Falkirk, drags out the contact listed on the notice posted in Nov 861, and carries him off to Sarmat. (He will be executed, and emissaries from Falkirk to Sarmat will later accede to the Queen's demands of suzerainty over Falkirk.)

Feb 862
    Queen Temyris arrives in Falkirk to accept the submission of the city.
    The Swolceror arrives in Falkirk to begin talks to develop an Anti-Vampire King Coalition    
    Here reports differ. Some say that the initial talks between Queen and Swolceror went poorly, the Queen speaking contemptuously of the Swolceror's Giant-Invisible-Wooden-Hippopotamus-Chariot and that no agreement was reached before the Swolceror left Falkirk in indignation. Others claim that this was a ruse, and the foundation of far-reaching planse were laid during this first meeting. I honestly say, I do not know the truth of it.

Mar 862
    Temyris and the Swolceror make preparations for a march against Voranov. Adventurers make diplomatic missions attempting to enlist other members into the coalition.

Apr 02 861
    The Vampire King steals a march on the allies, setting forth across the Tundra towards the Necropolis.

Good Friday
    Having enlisted the service of some Frost Giants encountered on the march, the Vampire King kills the inhabitants of the Necropolis, seizing control of the location.

April 23
    The failure of a reconnaissance mission to Voranov to report back, sets in motion a rescue plan. Which plan, upon completion, appraises the allies of the march of the Vampire King from Voranov on the 2nd

May 5
    Sir Donald of Featherstone keep, and the Mayburgh contingent arrive in Falkirk.

May 6
    The allied army marches out of Falkirk to retake the Necropolis.

May 17
    The allies crush the army of the Vampire King (See here) but are unable to capture him.

May 19
    After securing the Necropolis, the allies march toward Voranov, to crush the Vampire in his lair.

Jun 2
    The allies invest Castle Voranov.

Jun 19
    Fell beasts issue forth from Castle Voranov, putting the allied army to flight.


Since the 19th nothing has been heard from the Vampire King.

And Now For Something Else

 

     A decisive battle has occurred in the world of Falkirk. The coalition of Warrior-Queen Temyris smashed the Skeleton Army of the Vampire King (much more on all of this later). While the allies consider how to follow up on their victory, I'll be stepping away from the campaign for a few weeks.

    To referee a different campaign.

    Inspired by Mr. Wargaming's "Chosen Men On Campaign," and equipped by Mr. Featherstone's "Wargaming Campaigns," I've put together a brief 1-sheet campaign using 2x2 Napoleonics.

    A French and British force (roughly 100AP each) will attempt to seize and hold strategic points on the campaign map.

    Players will write orders for the division and movement of their forces, and I'll plot & resolve battles, returning information to the players at the end of each "game day."

    I've got two Generals lined up, and you can follow the campaign's progress here, or on the bird site.

Planets and Paladins

CONVERSION TABLES FOR AD&D & TRAVELLER

(ASSUME TRAVELLER CHARACTERS TO BE FIGHTERS OF 3RD LEVEL)

ABILITIES:
    USE THE FOLLOWING RATIOS TO CONVERT ABILITY SCORES. ROUND TO THE NEAREST WHOLE NUMBER.

    AD&D          TRAVELLER
    STR    3:2    STR
    DEX    3:2    DEX
    CON    3:2    ENDURANCE
    INT    3:2    INT
    CHA    3D6:-  -
    WIS    3D6:-  -
    -      -:2    EDUCATION
    -      -:2    SOCIAL STANDING

HP:
    TRAVELLERS HAVE HIT POINTS EQUAL TO 2/3'S THE SUM OF THEIR STR, DEX, AND ENDURANCE SCORES
    

    AD&D CHARACTERS WHOSE HIT POINTS ARE GREATER THAN 2/3'S THE SUM OF THEIR STR, DEX, AND ENDURANCE SCORES MAY ADD 1 TO EACH OF THESE SCORES UNTIL THEIR (STR, DEX, AND ENDURANCE) SUM IS EQUAL TO 2/3'S OF THE CHARACTER'S HIT POINTS.

DAMAGE:
    2 POINTS = 3 WOUNDS

CURRENCY:
    1GP=10CR

43 Bringin' in a Ringer

Feb 4-5, 862

Foreword
    Total Player Autonomy.

Session Report
    Due to the recent actions of Patrons, hirelings and other military equipment is scarce on the ground in Falkirk. Victor and Oshak therefore decided to make trip to Mayburgh to recruit and equip their party before doing anything else. On the way to Mayburgh they stopped at Wizardville, established recently by émigrés from Falkirk (also due to Patron actions).
    
    Every large settlement in the campaign has a private discord channel which serves as a news feed. When a player has a character in a settlement, they have access to its news feed. When a player's last character leaves the settlement, they are removed from the channel.
    
    When the party arrived in Wizardville, they were added to the Wizardville-Wazoo, and I noted their arrival in that channel. Instead of asking me for rumours, they just read the backlog of events.
    "We want to talk to the guards about this 'increased Frog-creature activity'"
    
    All the reports concur. Creatures, vaguely humanoid, short and squat with long bow legs and longer arms,  green warty slimy skin, and blunt misshapen heads, that move along in a sort of frog-hop shuffle, have been skulking around the edge of Wizardville. Obviously these are just the frogs from Hellboy.    
    
    More gumshoeing calls to their attention a tunnel hidden between two boulders at the outskirts of town. They descend into the sodden, slimy hole.
    
    Now the player running the Swolceror starts messaging me.
    "I want to greet the new arrivals from the balcony of my tower."
    "Sorry, it's already tomorrow, by the time you get to your balcony, you can just see them disappear down behind some boulders on the other side of town."
    "Oh no! Can I run in after to help them?"
    
    Well. Yes. Of course the High-Level Wizard Running the town can do that. He casts enlarge, and now, 10' tall runs into the dungeon.

    Meanwhile, the party were blundering their way through the frog-warrens below Wizardville (it will later be discovered that the notes compiled by the party's mapper, are less than useless) when a shape moved in the shadows at the edge of the party's torchlight. The party clarified their marching order, and continued down the hall. And then the frogs slammed into their front rank. And then more frogs crashed into them from behind paralyzing those they hit with their long tentacle-like tongues. Those they paralyzed they carried off into the darkness. Seeing all this, the hirelings did the smart thing and fled screaming into the darkness, never to be seen again.
    
    The attack was dying off, not because the party killed any, but because the frogs were sauntering away with their victims, when the Party glimpsed another shape moving in the darkness at their rear. A shape much larger than the other frogs. The shape carried a voice.
    "I have come. To OBLITERATE."
    The Party squeaked back, knees audibly knocking over the microphone, "Us?"
    "What? No! Them."
    
    The Swolceror had arrived. Bolstered by his arrival, the party continued their delve, their stated goal, to find the peasants, and now hirelings, taken by the frogs over the last days and weeks. East they went, at the insistence of the Swolceror, and though the stagnant muck at their feet was soon replaced by dry, sandy soil, still they went East.
    
    In a room off this eastern tunnel they found some Kobolds. Standing on stools around a long trestle table, they were examining a broadsheet and discussing it amongst themselves. The Kobolds were friendly. And when challenged by the adventurers attempted to avoid a fight.
    "Why would you kill us, and pass up the services of the finest Tour Guides of this corner of the Troll Tunnels."
    
    This turned out to be exactly the wrong thing for the Kobolds to say. Victor's player started shouting into the mic.
    "I pull my sword. How many can I w=swing at before they ready their crossbows? NONE OF THESE BASTARDS ARE LEAVING THIS ROOM ALIVE." It will be remembered that Victor Mayhow had had 3 consecutive sessions of Kobold monkeyshines, and he intended to have no more.
    
    Unfortunately for him, when it came to Kobold killing, none could match the Swolceror. A 12' 18STR human engaging in unarmed combat against such creatures will simply succeed, and will then simply kill. After the party had finished bespattering the room with Kobold brains, they examined the broadsheet.
    
    "Brothers, a fantastic business opportunity exists in the Troll Tunnels near Sarmat. You're all welcome to come get a piece of the action.
    -Kazan the Kompetent
    
    P.S. Bring cousin Louie if you see him."
    
    This done, the Party decided to return to the surface, where the Swolceror would entertain them at his tower while they plotted their next move.
    After stumbling along blindly in search of an entrance, and killing an frog, they reached the surface.
    
Afterword
    The party enjoyed enormously having a heavy-hitter with them, and for his part the Swoleceror enjoyed going on a delve, and made public announcement of his willingness to do more dungeoneering.

Dramatis Personae
Victor "Trollslayer" Mayhow, Human Strider
Oshak the Sorceror, Human Prestidigitator
The Swolceror Supreme, Weightlifting Wizard, Master of Arcane Gains

Verne, Human Bowman, Level 0, Feb 5 862, Carried off By a Frog-Creature
Argent, Human Bowman, Level 0, Feb 5 862, Carried off By a Frog-Creature
Biff, Human Light Footman, Level 0, Feb 5 862, Carried off By a Frog-Creature

Sable, Human Bowman, MIA
Roy, Jim, Human Light Footmen, MIA

41 & 42 A Diamond Bullet To The Brain, or The Whole World Is Skull Mountain

Jan 21-28, 862

Foreword
    These two sessions mark a turning-point int the campaign. Because these two sessions mark a turning point in how I handle the dungeon.
    Previously I'd made discrete dungeons, set them somewhere in the overworld, and tucked the notes away in a binder until they were needed (The Ruined Library, the Wreck of the Avalon, Gobbiton &c). Now some of these dungeons are quite large, the ruins under Gobitton contain some 90 miles of sub-subterranean river but they were all self-contained. Until now.
    Hearing Mr. Stump (of the Seaward Campaign) say "The Whole World is Skull Mountain;" watching Mr. Johnson's play-by-post Tunnels and Trolls Game where the only thing in the world is the dungeon; seeing one of Mr. Pickford's cross-section dungeon map. These three things constitute the diamond bullet to the brain about what the underworld could be.
    To ground ourselves, let's examine some of the characteristics of the overworld in AD&D. In the overworld you have locations, The Tower of the Swoleceror, Falkirk, Sarmat, and these are situated in a wider overworld context of terrain types, natural features, regions and so on. This wider context I'm going to call the "overworld matrix," and it has 4 characteristics:
    -It's arbitrarily large,
    -While the broad strokes may be established by fiat
    -The fine details are generated randomly
    -You can take a variety of routes from anywhere, to anywhere

Strangely, the DMG provides resources for creating an Underworld Matrix which has these four characteristics, in which dungeons exist.

So that's how it is now. Any dungeon in the world of Falkirk can now be conceivably be reached from any other by way of a, ever-expanding network of underground passages that make up the Underworld. I'm enjoying the results so far.

Session Report
    After a 20 minute argument about whether the Necropolis was East or West of Sarmat, Slate and Victor asked one the citizens of Sarmat if anyone knew. Everyone knows the Necropolis is East. So East they and their 3 Akithian Heavy Horsemen rode.
    They made returned to Sarmat a few days later with plenty of time for a delve. They went to the Camp of Peddlers and Fur Trappers and asked if anyone knew of  any work. One greasy looking peddler spoke up.
    "For 5gp I can take you to the Troll Tunnels 15 miles West of here."
    Sold. West they rode to where a circular tunnel 10 feet across plunged down into the side of the hill. The Dwarf and Human lit a torch, and left the hirelings with the horses.
    At this point I have an entrance, and a four way intersection drawn on some grid paper; my d6 Quick Stock index card (Monster+Treasure, Monster-Treasure, Treasure, Trap, Treasure+Trap, Empty); my d10 lvl 1 Traps index card; and the DMG cracked to pg. 172 Table V.G, and pg. 175 Level 1 Monsters table. As the two move through the dungeon I'm furiously scrawling to keep ahead o their torchlight. A room here, a trap there, a four way intersection here. Whenever there was an argument over which way to go, or an extended joke, I'd rush to some corner of the map and pencil in a few more squares of dungeon.
    Then the party hit the teleporter trap. They spent 20 minutes arguing about whether an open chest was, or was not a mimic (number of mimics disguised as treasure chests to date, 0. Approximate time spent by the party arguing about whether a given treasure chest was a mimic, 6 hours). They began to despair about finding their way out. And then they encountered the Kobolds. The players haggled with the Koblolds, and ended up paying 100gp for the Kobolds to lead them >100 feet down a corridor with no intersections to the entrance.

    A few days later Slate and Victor returned the the Troll Tunnels. In that time the Kobolds had spent their 100gp on an iron door. and installed it so that it blocked the hall to the first intersection. The door was barred on both sides, and could be unbarred from a hidden tunnel the Kobolds had dug. These enterprising Kobolds were now charging a mere 1gp/head for entrance to the Tunnels, and were offering a "Tip of the Day" for a paltry 5gp. 7gp later the Kobolds, unbarred the door, told the adventurers, "2nd Right, 1st Left, 1st Left if you want the Troll. Don't Trust the Wizard" and wished them luck.
    Through the tunnels the adventurers stumbled. Hitting every trap. Teleporter, Arrow, Teleporter, Poison Arrow, Teleporter, the same Poison Arrow trap, Teleporter. Now, a strange sort of luck was displayed here, as the Strider made his save against 30 dmg twice. But but the time the pair straggled up to the iron door, they were ready to go back to Sarmat and put their maps (confused by teleportation) in order.
    They hadn't reckoned on the Kobolds, who had neglected to mention the 100gp fee for parties exiting the dungeon, and had barred the iron door from the outside. After bewailing that they had not brought shovels with them, the way forward was clear.
    "I think our best bet is to find a troll."
    1 Right and 2 Lefts later the troll found them. A swift kick to the ribs knocked the dwarf against a wall, killing him. Victor snatched the maps crumpled in the dwarf's dying grasp and ran. The troll, satisfied with an easy lunch, declined to follow.
    Back to the entrance went Victor, but the Kobolds were adamant, "100gp or go pound sand." Victor negotiated with them to post the party's map notes back to Sarmat.
    "I'm putting out my torch. I'm going to arrange another torch and my pouch of oil flasks on my belt for easy access. I know it's 2nd Right, 1st Left, 1st Left to get to the troll. I start crawling that way on my hands and knees, feeling my way through the darkness."
    I'm not able to pick my jaw up of the floor until, after tha damnedest string of luck I've ever seen, Victor manages to slay the troll single-handedly despite the troll a) surprising him, b) being a particularly fierce troll (hits as an 9HD creature). Victor collected the troll's loot, and the dwarf's loot, paid the Kobold Toll, collected Slate's mapping notes from the now deferential Kobolds, and rode back to Sarmat

Afterword
    I could happily run 30 more sessions of Troll Tunnels. And as these tunnels extend just under the surface across the whole world, I'll probably get to.

Dramatis Personae
Slate, Dwarf Acolyte of Þórr, Level 1, Jan 28 861, Stove-in by a Troll

Victor "Trollslayer" Mayhow, Human Strider
Uldin, Rugila, Octar, Human Heavy Horsemen

40 The Boys Are Back In Gobbiton

Jan 14-18, 862

Session Report
A quick Gobbiton delve. Tarall decided to provoke a passing Ceratosaurus with a flask of flaming oil. 13 goblins, 4 bugbears slain. 4gp, 1ep, 8sp, 7cp recovered.

Dramatis Personae
Tarall Smith, Half-Elf Prestidigitator-Acolyte of Pellucidar, Level 1, Jan 15 862, Swallowed by Ceratosaurus
Doddy, Human Acolyte of Amtor, Level 1, Jan 16 862, Swarmed by Goblins
Remfalcon Tradove, Half-Elf Veteran, Jan 16 862, Skewered by Bugbear Halberdiers

Nark, Half-Orc Veteran
Foiym, Half Elf Prestidigitator-Veteran

Gawain, Gareth, Light Footmen
Gaheris, Short Bowman

Random Encounters and the Imagination

     There are those who object to the use of Random Encounter tables. Usually their objection is something like: "I don't want to roll a result of 275 orcs here." This sort of objection may be divided into two kinds:
    i) "I don't want there to be 275 orcs in this part of the world."
    ii) "275 orcs in this part of the world would be an obstacle to my creativity."
The first is a misunderstanding of the use of random tables, the second is a misunderstanding of the nature of imagination.

    i) "I don't want there to be 275 orcs in this part of the world."
    Uncle Gary is quite clear here, though he is often misunderstood. Decide how you want it to be, and then make it just that way. If you know what is there, that is what is there; if you don't, roll on a random table. If you know that there are no orcs in such-and-such a place, you have either compiled your own random table, or noted on the existing table: "in such-and-such a place, if a result of 'orcs' is returned, roll again." Uncle Gary's Ghost won't knock the dice out of your hand for that.
    
    ii) "275 orcs in this part of the world would be an obstacle to my creativity."
    This is a strong objection, except it isn't true. To see why this is so, we must examine the imagination and what it does.
    
    One of the faculties of the imagination combines elements to create new ideas. The unicorn demonstrates this. The unicorn is a product of the imagination, formed from the elements of a horn, a horses head, a lion's tail, a hart's feet, and so on (of course a unicorn is more than this, but it is not less). And once someone has done the imagining of a unicorn for me it becomes itself fodder for the imagination. Given unicorns, I am quite free to imagine the unicorns of Ganymede who are hunted by the elves of Jupiter.
    
    It follows that we can develop this faculty of the imagination in 2 ways:
    a) Providing the the imagination with elements to combine
    b) by using the imagination to combine disparate elements.
The random tables provide us with both sorts of exercise The tables furnish you with elements, and the dice force you to combine them with the circumstances. For instance, first you must discover what a lamia is, then you must imagine what one is doing here, and why.
Proper and frequent use of random tables is not only necessary for correct play. It strengthens you imagination, and allows you to achieve correct play.
    QED

Coda on Modules
    It matters very much what you fodder you give your imagination. Just as there is food better and worse for the stomach, there is fodder better and worse for the imagination. By and large, the modules and supplements published for RPGs are worse. If you read 500 pages of source-books on "Vikinglandia," you will get a lot of cruft and perhaps 5 good ideas. If you simply read the "Saga of the People of Vatnsdal" (about 90 pages) You'd have 50 good ideas and more.* If you read the whole Penguin collection of "Sagas of the Icelanders," and Howard's "Tigers of the Sea," you'd be able to imagine and run a campaign in "Víkingstaðr" indefinitely with no prep. Provided you have good random tables.


*I refuse to defend this point. One only has to do the reading to see that it is so.

39 Leave the Ray-Gun, Take the Computers

Jan 6-8, 862

Foreword
    Dec 30, 861: Late at night, an enormous explosion is seen in the desert to the Southeast of Falkirk.

    Jan 1, 862: An enormous structure, billowing smoke and crackling with eldritch energy is spotted just North of Falkirk, heading west.

    Jan 2, 862: The smoke around the enormous structure parted enough to reveal it a castle. The castle moved West into the Jungle.

Session Report
    The players decided to follow the trail of the moving castle West into the Jungle. Late in the day they spot it. A square keep 100yds wide and 110yds tall, surmounted by a round tower 30yds wide and 100yds tall. The castle lay in a jungle lake north of the road the party had followed, 50 feet from shore. Nark suggested they make camp and investigate in the morning.
    
    The only event of the night was the arrival of a herd of sauropods, grazing on the trees at the edge of the lake.
    
    Next day, the party spent a few hours chopping trees to fashion a raft to ferry them across to the castle. This raft immediately sank, but also demonstrated the lake was only a few feet deep. The compatriots waded out to the castle, clambered up the lowered drawbridge, and marched through the raised portcullis. They found themselves in the castle's undercroft. To the left the room was prepared for the care and keeping of horses. To the right were stacks and stacks of crates with labels like "Caliburn: Lot 665" and "Caliburn Lot 621." Nark and Taralls took stock of the empty stables while Welton rifled through crates. The crate "Avalon Lot 437" contained 7 ray-guns in packing straw. Welton set this crate aside for collection on his way out, and went to rejoin the others.
    
    The others had found a staircase leading up. The followed it to an anteroom to the great hall. They pushed open the huge doors of the great hall to the mouldering remains of feasting tables and fine tapestries. On the table nearest them gnawing at something (someone?) was a swarm of giant rats, who turned and charged the fresh meat.
    
    Nark slammed one door shut, and held the opening against the first wave, while Taralls called upon Pellucidar to bless their battle, and Welton lobbed a flask of flaming oil at the rats who remained on the table. 1 rat fell before Nark's halberd, while another 7 were burnt by the flaming oil, whereupon the remaining rats scurried off into the darkness. Nark found that one of the rats had swallowed a bronze cylinder, graven with mystic runes and esoteric glyphs, and labelled in the common script "QXV 4327."
    
    Up, up, up went the party to the tower, which had a door on it like the doors on the Avalon. Up they went to the highest room of the tower. Again a spaceship door, gave access to a Wizard's workshop. On one of the work-surface lay open a book "Principles of Incompatible Systems Integration" by Miles E. O'Brien. On another, a wooden sphere, girt with bronze bands, graven with runes, inset with a screen, and haloed by loops of red and blue wires. On another, a small box with cables protruding from the bottom and a screen on its face. Another desk had 2 holes in it, in one of which was a broken bronze cylinder. Nark pulled the broken cylinder out, and replaced it with the cylinder he'd found: QXV 4327.
    
    The Castle shook and reeled. It jerked up into the air and began to move. Nark quickly removed the bronze cylinder, and the castle halted and settled. Nark moved to the bookshelf and grabbed a few at random:
    
    "Principles of Incompatible System Integration" Miles E O'Brien
    
    "A Novice Star-Priest's Primer on Astral Gates"
    
    "Dimensional Manipulation for Star Turtle Owners"
    
    Welton, meanwhile moved to examine a bronze hatch on the floor marked "Turtle Maintenance." It opened easily to reveal a short ladder leading into a bronze room which hummed with energy. Wires, vacuum tubes, and pipes were all ran from a bronze housing for a glowing red gem, into the walls of the room. The housing was graven with runes, and equations, and appeared to be bolted to a massive scute. Of course this meant the thief had to try to pry the gem out of its housing with his sword, and be fried to a crisp for his efforts.
    
    This was quite enough for Taralls. He grabbed Welton's pack, and a copy of "The New Owner's Guide to Star-Turtles For Beginners" from the shelf and he and Nark turned back for the exit.
    
    "Anyone here, now knows we're here. Let's go."
    
    Whereupon they rushed back to Falkirk.
    
    Back in Falkirk was, Taralls was elated. Until he discovered that Welton had not stuffed a dozen ray-guns in his pack, he'd only set the crate aside to return for it. Which alas he never did.
    
Afterword
    Play Cugel games, win Cugel prizes.

Dramatis Personae
Nark, Half-Orc Veteran
Taralls Smith, Prestidigitator-Acolyte of Pellucidar

Welton Goldsmith, Gnome Rogue, Level 1, Jan 7 862, Incinerated

Gawain, Gareth, Light Footmen
Gaheris, Short Bowman

38 Desperadoes and Derringers

Jan 1-5, 862

Foreword
     At the back of the DMG are the Gamma World, and Boot Hill Conversion Tables. Uncle Gary's solution to integrate other RPG's into his own. And folks who know better than I have suggested that Real D&D is already a Western. Therefore, with a rough map, a random encounter table, and a copy of Boot Hill a DM ought to be able to run a session full of Gunslingers and Outlaws with no trouble at all.

Session Report
    Dec 30, 861: Late at night, an enormous explosion is seen in the desert to the Southeast of Falkirk.
    
    Jan 01, 862: The Party has any number of leads they can chase, Rumours that the Vampire King once more walks the Earth, the Moving Castle wreathed in smoke spotted near Falkirk, the Explosion in the desert, those Pesky Lizardmen.

    As the desert would put the party further from both the Vampire King and the Moving Castle, the party elected to investigate the explosion. Rumours in Falkirk suggested the event took place due East of the Tower of the Swolceror, so the party kitted up and headed out.

    From a long way off was visible in the desert a dome. Miles high and tens of miles across, it shimmered in the desert sun like a sepia tinted border to a Llano Estacado-Elfland. When they reached the base of the dome, the adventurers noticed that the dome was a barrier, only a few inches thick. To their side, the flat sand of the Iron Desert spread out to the North, South, and West. Across the barrier, the ground was cracked stone, covered in prickly-pear cacti, sagebrush, and tumbleweeds. (Ah, fond in the mind of this DM is the remembrance of those prickly-pear fruits of his childhood, purloined from the neighbour's yard, and roasted over an op fire) Experimentation demonstrated that one could pass through the barrier from the world of Falkirk, one had difficulty returning without the help of someone in the world of Falkirk. The barrier also proved impermeable to sound. Whenever someone passed through the barrier from Falkirk, they heard, high overhead, the piercing cry of an eagle, and a few bars of that piece from "The Good the Bad and the Ugly" (you know the one).

    At this point Haric's player clued in and got very excited, but the party wasn't willing to pass into the barrier without a clear exit strategy. So they decided to walk the perimeter of the dome, to scout the area before going in. Rowyn walked inside the barrier, the rest of the party outside. After a mile or so, Rowyn spotted a rising cloud of dust kicked up by riders on fast horses. The riders drew near, rough men with big hats, and strange clothes. The party outside the barrier put a 10' pole through, and pulled Rowyn back into the world of Falkirk. This thoroughly spooked the riders who rode round in circles looking for the dwarf they'd seen vanish. After a few minutes they saw the leader hold up 3 gold pieces and start talking. Since they couldn't hear through the barrier Rowyn went back in.

    "-- one Dollar to the man who finds that short Miss. Consarnit! Where'd you come from!"

    This started a discussion which suggested that the desperadoes could neither see nor interact with the barrier riding through it to the plains that has always been there, rather than to Falkirk. Rowyn demonstrated her apparent disappearing act a few more times, and introductions were made. Rowyn had been found by the Quickdraw McGraw gang: Quickdraw McGraw, Baba Looey, Pepe Trueno, Hound-dog Douglas, and Mason Dix. Rowyn was currently standing in Robert E. Howard County, Texas. REH County consisted of the Llano Estacado in the West, (upon which they were perched) and the Piney Woods in the East, and the Plains between the two, home to Brownstone, Ft. Buck, a few farms and ranches, two outlaw bands, and some Commanche. The year was 18--, after the Civil War, but before the Republic of Texas was annexed by the United States.

    At this point Haric, and Amondale and his crossbowmen came through, weapons aimed. This sparked a standoff that Rowyn had to defuse. Amondale wanted to know about the coins Quickdraw had held up. Quickdraw called them 1/3 Dollar Pieces, but they were identical in every other respect. Haric wanted to know if the outlaws had heard anything about the explosion. "Not since Quickdraw used too much dynamite during that stage-coach robbery." But that was months ago. Amondale wanted to make some more "Dollars." After assuring Quickdraw that the adventurers were not saboteurs from the "Hole-in-Juan" Gang, it was agreed that the outlaws would guide the adventurers to Brownstone, where the outlaws would look for a lead, and the adventurers could outfit themselves with firearms and normal duds. The party left most of the hirelings in the world od Falkirk, with instructions to wait for their return, and help them back through the barrier. Amondale took the Heavy Crossbowmen with him to Brownstone.     
    In Brownstone, the outlaws slipped into the Palace Saloon, while the party went to Lacy's General Store. Here I dumped the "Boot Hill" price charts into the discord, and went to heat myself some more eggnog. When I returned, Rowyn decided that she wasn't going back to the world of Falkirk, she was staying in REH County for good. The party wrapped up their shopping, and met the Quickdraw Gang at the Palace Saloon. Tomorrow at noon, McGraw said, the Wells Fargo Wagon carrying payroll would exit the Piney woods and enter the plains on its way to Falkirk. According to his source, the stage-coach would have only the two drivers to protect it, so it would be an easy score, and a chance for the adventurers to prove themselves to the gang. It was agreed, and after Amondale lost 10gp at a game called "Crown and Anchor." The party called it a night.

    Next morning they rode to the Piney Woods and got into position. Rowynn suggested that she should fall off of her horse, and when the stage-coach stopped, they'd spring the ambush. The stage-coach arrived, two drivers, and 6 armed guards. The stage-coach stopped, the two rifle-toting guards were sent to help Rowyn, and the ambush was sprung.

    The driver started feeding the outlaws a cock-and-bull story to spook them, "--because I work for Mr. Wells Fargo himself, and he don't take too kindly to thieves. In a few minutes the 50 US Marshalls riding behind us, and the Sheriff and his Deputies riding out from Brownstone to meet us will be here, so the smart thing to to would just be to GIT!"

    So anyway, Amondale just started blasting, and after a flurry of gun-smoke, the guards were dead, and the only casualty was a wounded (but conscious) hireling. The outlaws swiped the payroll, and the Wells Fargo Horses (10 Good Horses/Light Warhorses), and rode back to Quickdraw McGraw's hideout at the base of the Llano. $537.24 was split 2/3 : 1/3 between the Gang and the Party, netting the players 179gp, 16cp each.

    Now began a long discussion between Amondale and Haric about what to do with the horses, whether to sell them in Brownstone or Falkirk (Rowyn didn't enter into this discussion because she was staying in REH County with the Quickdraw McGraw gang). I went to pour myself a brandy.

    The salient points of the discussion were these. I set the conversion rate of 3gp:$1 based on the cost of rations. 1 week of rations costs the same in Falkirk or Brownstone. But this meant because of the Boot Hill Price Tables that horses were 3 times as valuable in Brownstone as Falkirk. So, was it worth trying to sell obviously stolen horses, the day after they were stolen, in a town that was to have benefited from the money the horses were guarding, for a much higher profit.

    They decided to return to Falkirk (except Rowyn). The next day they said farewell to the gang took 5 of the stolen horses, and rode back to where they'd entered. Unfortunately the hirelings had abandoned them, and the barrier was not at that time permeable. More unfortunately still, 4 US Marshalls had been rolled on the encounter table, obviously investigating the Wells Fargo Mishap of the day before. Fortunately, however, the Marshalls were surprised, and two surprise segments was enough to dispatch them all. They looted Marshalls, took their badges and horses (4 Fair Horses/Draft Horses) and returned to the Gang Hideout.
    
Afterword
    It's critical that you remember that in AD&D combat, if multiple sides in a fight get multiple attacks per round, the sides take their attacks alternately (side A fires shot 1, Side B fires shot 1, Side A fires shot 2 &c.).

Dramatis Personae
    Haric, Elven Aspirant
    Rowyn Hillbrewer, Dwarven Footpad
    Amondale, Human Veteran
    
    Molly, Tilly, Donovan, O'Moira, Seamus, Light Footmen
    Art, Sylvester, Heavy Crossbowmen turned Riflemen

37 If at First You Don't Succeed

Dec 26-29, 861

Foreword
a TPK. At long last.

Session Report
    Back to the wreck of the Avalon. A spaceship that crashed in the Jungle 60 mi west of Falkirk long ago. Ordinarily a 2 day trip, the party spent an extra day picking their way along a circuitous route that would allow them to bring a wagon with them. By means of this wagon they hoped to bring back to Falkirk the Illudium q-36 Space Modulator (a Laser-Cannon).

    After making camp one night, a band of Cavemen approached their fire. Negotiations broke down, and the party fled, leaving behind their wagon, but not before the Hirelings Montrose and Peter were killed.

    The adventurers picked their way through the wreckage. Opened a door behind which lay Gas Spores. These they gently poked, then ran away from. They then found the skeletal remains of a member of the crew, wearing a spacesuit and wielding a ray-gun. They pummelled the skeleton, and took his stuff. In another room surrounded by depraved scrawlings they found a small idol of green-black stone, depicting a monstrous scaly humanoid form with the head of an octopus and the wings of a bat. Tibbs and Elyshore recognized this idol, as it matched closely the one they had seen the cultists worshipping [In Session 34] and posited some connection between the cultists and the wreckage. The party next found a fragmentary AI at a computer terminal, but were unable to format their questions appropriately, and so found it unhelpful.

    Emerging from the computer terminal room into the the main hallway, they heard a voice: "Engine malfunction, venting exhaust." The room filled with poison gas, and nearly everyone died. Whereupon the surviving hirelings fled back to Falkirk, leaving only Tibbs and Elyshore. The pair elected to store what little loot they'd found on their horses, and then return to check out a few more rooms. Blocking their exit was another skeletal astronaut. It's ray-gun malfunctioned however, vapourising it before it could cause any harm. Sad.

    Back in the wreckage, a door opened to reveal a set of deminc masks in a crew member's quarters. As Tibbs crossed the threshold, the voice spoke again: "Doorway Blockage Detected. Clearing." The doors slammed shut on Tibbs, grievously wounding him. Elyshore activated the door panel again: "Doorway Blockage Detected. Clearing." *crunch* Half of Tibbs' body slumped away from the door. Undeterred, Elyshore sought to send his crow familiar through the door to collect the masks. "Doorway Blockage Detected. Clearing."

    With that the crow familiar died, and in doing so killed its master Elyshore.

    Roll Credits.

Dramatis Personae
Pavel, Dumas, Pascal, Paul, Footmen and Bowmen smart enough to run away.

Elyshore Elf Veteran-Prestidigitator-Rogue, Level 1, Dec 29 861, Familiar Bifurcated by Spaceship Door
Apollodoris, Keeper of Barsoom, Level 3, Dec 29 861, Asphyxiated by Spaceship Exhaust
Cassandra, Gallant of Barsoom, Level 1, Dec 29 861, Asphyxiated by Spaceship Exhaust
Tibbs, Dwarf/Thief/Fighter, Level 1, Dec 29 861, Bifurcated by Spaceship Door

Montrose, Human Light Footman, Level 0, Dec 28 861, Bludgeoned by Cavemen
Peter, Human Light Footman, Level 0, Dec 28 861, Bludgeoned by Cavemen

Philip, Human Light Footman, Level 0, Dec 29 861, Asphyxiated by Spaceship Exhaust
Penelope, Human Light Footman, Level 0, Dec 29 861, Asphyxiated by Spaceship Exhaust
Penzance, Human Light Footman, Level 0, Dec 29 861, Asphyxiated by Spaceship Exhaust
Pinafore, Human Light Footman, Level 0, Dec 29 861, Asphyxiated by Spaceship Exhaust
Gibraltar, Human Light Footman, Level 0, Dec 29 861, Asphyxiated by Spaceship Exhaust
Lauras, Human Light Footman, Level 0, Dec 29 861, Asphyxiated by Spaceship Exhaust

Paris, Human Short-Bowman, Level 0, Dec 29 861, Asphyxiated by Spaceship Exhaust
Phaidra, Human Short-Bowman, Level 0, Dec 29 861, Asphyxiated by Spaceship Exhaust
Phineas, Human Short-Bowman, Level 0, Dec 29 861, Asphyxiated by Spaceship Exhaust
Percival, Human Short-Bowman, Level 0, Dec 29 861, Asphyxiated by Spaceship Exhaust
Pablo, Human Short-Bowman, Level 0, Dec 29 861, Asphyxiated by Spaceship Exhaust
Patrick, Human Short-Bowman, Level 0, Dec 29 861, Asphyxiated by Spaceship Exhaust

36 Barely Worth Mentioning

Dec 24-26, 861

Session Report
Bartholomoeus, Thunda Stonefoot, and Carxaris travelled from Sartmat to Falkirk.

35 Pour, Oh Pour the Adventurer Sherry

 Dec 18-27, 861

Session Report
    The Aspirant Jackson Meelan set out from Sarmat in search of a Giant Flying Creature about which he'd heard rumours. He discovered a flying pirate ship, The Yellow Rose, whose singing, dancing crew offered to him a pirate 'pprenticeship. The Yellow Rose sailed south several days to a Trollspit in the Jungle. Thinking it unsportsmanlike to attack the Trolls with overwhelming force, the Aspirant and 3 other pirates were sent down the pit. Upon sighting the first troll, Jackson cast "Entangle," which bound not only the troll, but himself, and 2 of the pirates in the Jungle flora. The remaining pirate continued to hack away at the troll until it stopped moving.

    Unfortunately, the troll began, with a hideous sucking sound, to knit itself back together. It then proceeded to tear the [Druid] limb from limb.

    Roll Credits.

Dramatis Personae
Jackson Meelan, Human Aspirant, Level 1, Dec 27 861, Rent Asunder by a Troll
The Sky Pirates of Penzance, Operatic, Singing, Dancing, Sky Pirates

34 Running Errands

Dec 14-24, 861

Session Report
    Since there weren't enough horses for sale in Falkirk, Tibbs and Elyshore went down to Mayburgh to buy some. Just before their return to Falkirk they encountered enormous footprints leading away to the East from the location of a Castle that had recently appeared near Falkirk. No castle was found at the site, just a depression in the earth 100 yds across and 10' deep.

    All this they ignored to go fight lizardmen in the Jungle. The classic lizardman tactic is to spring out of their mound and onto the nearest adventurer when their mound is approached. After 4 lizardmen were dispatched, and the Hireling Pembroke killed, the lizardmen stopped emerging from their mound.

    Rather than crawl through the mire into a dank hole to root out the reptilian rakes, the two adventurers decided to go check out a nearby ruined tower.

    It late afternoon by this time, and through the gloaming came the flickering light of a bonfire, and the infernal ululations of revellers who danced round it. As Tibbs and Elyshore emerged into the small clearing they saw the tower, and the revellers. Which revellers were processing around, not only a bonfire, but a large crude idol of green-black stone, depicting a monstrous scaly humanoid form with the head of an octopus and the wings of a bat.

    One of the revellers approached the adventurers with a greeting:

    "ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn"

    This, not being understood by the adventurers, precipitated a polite but tense conversations about the rudiments of OLD ONE belief and practice, which so unnerved the players that the characters turned tail and ran back to Falkikrk.

Dramatis Personae
Tibbs Dwarf Veteran-Rogue
Elyshore Elf Veteran-Prestidigitator-Rogue

33 The Hireling Who Went Up a Rope and Came Down a Giant

Dec 10-19, 861

Session Report
    The players decided to answer a notice posted lately in Falkirk. The notice offered thousands of gold pieces for information on the army of one of the tribes of the Northern Steppes (the Akithians) and the head their ruler (the Warrior-Queen Temyris). After hiring some muscle, and buying up all of the horses in town, the party set off to the North.
    
    After days of crossing short grass and frozen earth of the all but featureless plain, the part spotted a tower in their path. They camped well off from it, and first thing the next day (Dec 14) ventured inside.

    The party discovered that graven in the floor of each room was a number. As they entered rooms in sequence, more and more magical lights accrued around their heads. Proceeding through the rooms they found a thief in a blue cloak (Billhemina, the son of his mother, Bill). After an unfruitful exchange, Carxaris pinned his cloak to the wall, while Illuman brained the thief with the pommel of his dagger. Carxaris took the cloak, the rest of the party split the thief's gold.

    As they picked their way carefully through a room of Giant Pelicans ,careful not to upset the ugly birds, the party noticed that Carxaris was no longer visible in her blue cloak. The players supposed it was a n invisibility cloak, and celebrated.

    Next came a long argument about hot to bridge a 10' gap with 50' of rope and 2 iron spikes. They proceed to enact an extraordinarily complicated sequence of back and forths across the pit which resulted in a spike on each side of the pit, next to the wall, with the rope tied between them, such that they could wander across the tightrope with their hands on the wall for balance.  
The Next room was a garbage pit at the bottom of a 40' shaft. So they sent 2 hirelings back to retrieve their rope spikes with even more complicated instructions on the manner in which it was to be done (instructions which would have abandoned one of the hirelings on the far side of the pit). The hirelings ignored these instructions, and both soon returned with the rope and spikes.

    The Adventurers next chose to form a human pyramid to drive a spike nearly into the top of the shaft, before climbing one by one into the next room. Now, this sounds absurd, but at 36', the party's human pyramid was 3' short of the tallest human pyramid on record. When you start hiring every merc in town, you give yourself more bizarre solutions to your problems.

    First up the rope was Oddric. When he climbed back down to relay what he'd found, he had doubled in size (to 12' tall). The party therefore didn't take his reports of Giants in the next room very seriously. Up went the whole crew. Once at the top they rushed the giants, Oddric grappling one, while the archers pin-cushioned the other two. 3 Giants killed without a single party casualty. Rather than carrying the Giants' sacks of silver coin with them, they dragged them to the windows, and dropped them down the side of the tower to where the horses were picketed.

    Finally the party reached the top of the tower. Instead of being surrounded by the grassy steppe, as far as the eye could see was a green ocean. With 2 dozen magic sparks whirling and crackling around his head, the Half-Elf Illuman stepped onto the stone altar in the midst of the tower's highest platform. Whereupon thunderbolts shot from the ocean into the sky, and a thunderbolt struck down from the sky onto the altar, leaving nothing of Illuman but a greasy spot.

    And so the party cut and ran down and out of the tower. Collecting the loot that had landed amongst the horses and meeting Victor Mayhow (Illuman's player's back-up character). With the Giants' silver on the horses, they enjoyed a peaceful remainder of the journey to Sarmat, with enough loot for everyone to level.

Dramatis Personæ
Illuman, Half-elf Veteran-Prestidigtator, Level 1, Dec 14 861, Immolated by a Thunderbolt

Goran, Human Veteran
Carxaris, Half-elf Veteran-Prestidigitator
Victor Mayhow, Elf Runner

Prescott, Micawber, Webb, Hildegard von Blingin', Æthelstan, Oddric, Human Light Footmen
Pumblechook, Magwich, Lemler

32 The Fall's Gonna Kill You

Dec 8, 861

Foreword
    Not a TPK, as party-members survived.    
    
Session Report
    Neiroun's Player had recruited Elowen's Player to the campaign. For his first session they figured they'd try for something nice-and-easy. To their mind, a ruined tower perched atop a 500' mesa in the Jungle fit the bill. So with henches & hirelings off they set for the Jungle.
    
    The adventurers tied themselves together in pairs, intending to scale the cliff face with the help of a large number of iron spikes (the lowest of which would be retrieved by the last climber and passed back up to the lead climber). Sam, Texas Red, and Chance (a dog) were left behind to tend the horses. Half-way up the cliff pten pteranodons attacked.
    
    As the party began to scramble back down the scarp, Brazos Bill was killed by a pteranodon, and so his lifeless body fell. The rope jerked tied to his climbing partner jerked taut, and Alabammy Sammy followed him to the jungle floor. Hewlett was the next to be killed, but his partner Wells was able to wrap their rope around a protruding spike. There they both hung, an archer and a corpse. Wells determined to sell his life dearly. Shooting arrow after arrow at the sky lizards. And if he survived, who can say? Jason and Sweet Sweet Josephine, also took the express route to the base of the cliff.
    178' above the ground. 78' above the nearest ledge, the only pteranodon not scrapping over the corpse of Hewlett, or those on the ground, killed Elowen, the elf. Neiroun, pulled screaming from the mesa, shared his fate.
    
Afterword
    Everyone should have cut their buddy-ropes when the pteranodons attacked. Simple as.

Dramatis Personæ
Neiroun Merryview, Dwarven Veteran-Footpad, Level 1-2, Dec 8th 861, Plummeted from a Cliff-face
Elowen, Elven Veteran-Rogue, Level 1, Dec 8th 861, Gored by a Pteranodon
Jason, Human Light Footman, Level 0, Dec 8th 861, Plummeted from a Cliff-face
Alabammy Sammy, Human Shortbowman, Level 0, Dec 8th 861, Plummeted from a Cliff-face
Hewlett, Human Shortbowman, Level 0, Dec 8th 861, Gored by a Pteranodon
Brazos Bill, Human Shortbowman, Level 0, Dec 8th 861, Gored by a Pteranodon
Sweet Sweet Josephine, Human Shortbowman, Level 0, Dec 8th 861, Gored by a Pteranodon

Sam Cosmos, Human Prestidigitator Henchman
Texas Red, Human Light Footman
Chance, A Dog

31 Hobnobbin' with a Hobgoblin

Nov 12-18, 861

Foreword
    A single player is doomed by being less clever than he thought himself to be.

Session Report
    Rafnan Nobor traipsed to Mayburgh w/ his entourage to buy some horses. While in Mayburgh he saw a poster "Wanted Dead or Alive (Preferably Dead) Acrylo the Enigmatic, Hobgoblin Magician." Says Rafnan to his companions "Let's away to the Bandit's Redoubt ten miles north of Mayburgh."

    Upon reaching the Bandit's Redoubt, and finding Acrylo alone, but unsurprised, Rafnan struck up a conversation.

    "I hear you have magical wares to sell. I am interested in perusing them."
    "I don't sell goods, but I can cast certain spells for a fee."
    "I'm very interested in purchasing your goods. What do you have for sale?"
    "You must be mistaken wanderer, my brother, Lamere Poulard the Tubby sells botanicals and remedies. Perhaps you're thinking of him."
    "No, no. I'm interested in any wares you have on offer."
    "I'm telling you, I..... Actually, I may have something of interest here in my pouch. If you would care to come over here, perhaps you'll find something to pique your interest."

    Rafnan approached and bend over the pouch to inspect its contents. At which point Acrylo intoned the spell "Cure Light Wounds" backwards, killing Rafnan.

Roll Credits.

Afterword 
    Rafnan's character said afterwards that his plan was to pummel the hobgoblin as soon as his guard was down. If only he'd had an ounce of subtlety, perhaps he wouldn't've tipped his hand.

30 Two Half-Men

Nov 5-19, 861

Foreword
    Party Composition, Party Balance, these things are for the birds. This session featured the Dwarven Rogue-Veteran Tibbs, and the Veteran-Rogue Dwarf Neiroun Merryview getting the better of a 9HD monster.

Session Report
    All week, in between questions on the price of goat-feed in Mayburgh, and how many chickens he could have shipped at once, Neiroun's character had insisted that he knew what this weeks session was going to be about. The party was going to take the Akithian Job. The party was going to march 150 miles North-West into the Tundra, find the Horse-Warrior Steppe-People (Akithians), prepare a report on the size and composition of the Akithian Army, and bring back the head of the Akithian ruler. He even took the cash advance offered on the job as an expression of his commitment.

    So I was not surprised inn the least when the party left Falkirk heading South-East, on the road toward Mayburgh. And none of my session prep was upset because I don't do session prep. In Mayburgh they bought horses, rations, and weapons, and Neiroun hired some soldiers. Neiroun also tried to lure some weapon-smiths and armourers back to Falkirk, but couldn't pony up the cash. After fighting off  some drunken ruffians and spending a night at the sign of the Ten Teacups, they scrounged up a job escorting a shipment of pig-iron back to Falkirk.

    Back in Falkirk and accoutred for a long expedition to the North, the dwarves decided to investigate one of the towers in the Jungle.
    
    As they entered the ruined tower, they saw a centaur-shaped creature opposite them. A voice spoke to Tibbs "You're going to kill those friends of yours for me." Tibbs had been charmed.
    
    Neiroun didn't wait to see what Tibbs would do.
    
    "I want to tackle him. I want to put him on the on the ground and render him unable to fight." Overbearing rules are no big deal, the players know how tall their characters are and how much they weigh. 2 d100 rolls later Tibbs went down hard, KO'd but not in a coma.
    
    Neiroun collected himself, and his torch (he'd dropped it to give Tibbs the old 'Dallas Cowboys Handshake') and he and the hirelings advanced on the creature. A woman from the waist up, and a four-legged beast from the waist down, the monster tried to ensorcell Neiroun "You're going to call off your soldiers." Neiroun did no such thing. The adventurers engaged the creature.
    
    Terrible world-twisting syllables erupted from her lips, and suddenly there were 4 beast-women. Neiroun called for the soldiers to fall back to the tower's entrance. The beast women advanced. The party discovered that the additional creatures were illusions that would disappear if they could be hit. The Light Footman Herenna the Henna-Haired Harridan was toe-to-toe with the monsters. She was hit, lost a point of wisdom, was hit again, lost another point of wisdom, again, again. Herenna fell. Around this time Tibbs woke up, and started firing into the fray (looking to hit the adventurers of course). Neiroun found himself fighting on two fronts, beast woman to the left, fellow dwarf to the right.
    
    The monster called for a truce "You fellows are welcome to the treasure in the tower. Let me go, and there'll be no hard feelings."
    
    The party wasn't interested in any outcome that left the foul beast alive, but the monster was willing to play hard-ball.
    
    "Tibbs, if I'm not alive tomorrow, you will march barefoot and alone across the desert, and will bring me back a dessert from the other side."

    The party decided they were interested in letting the beast-woman go. They collected her treasure and headed back to Falkirk.

Afterword
    I don't know if Tibbs would have been compelled to march into *almost* certain death under the Charm spell. But the beast-lady was desperate, and the players didn't want to take the chance.

Road to Falkirk - Postgame

"I'm at a Halloween party and I'm kind of drunk, but I have to know if my characters are dead or not."

Preparing for the Battle, Real World Considerations:
    It takes time to prepare the miniatures (and what a joy they are to paint), and time to prepare the Unit Information Sheets. In the future, I want to offload the writing of Unit Information Sheets to the Patrons in question. This should allow me to get ready for battles faster, and make the Patron more familiar with the Swords and Spells Rules.

    I asked the Goblin Patron to schedule the assault around when he would be available to come to my place and game the battle out. I'm happy w/ how this worked out and plan to continue it in the future.

    This was a small battle compared to the one Uncle Gary lays out at the back of "Swords and Spells," but the if the attacking army had had any more units, they would hardly have been able to manoeuver. For future battles I may swipe some scrap plywood from the factory to make for a wider tabletop. 

    It took around 2 1/2 hours for this 20 turn battle. I think a considerable amount of time could be shaved off by having a second set of rules printed, and having both sets of rules tabbed for easy navigation. Also as we become more accustomed to the rules, thins should speed up.

Adjudicating the Battle:
    Cavalry have incredible staying power. It seems that rider HP and mount HP are just lumped together for the unit total. This means that the unit of 40 Wolf-Riders had only 8 fewer HP than the unit of 150 Orcs!

    The defenders of Falkirk could've used some ranged support. And some artillery.

    Figures are removed left to right, back to front. But the flanking bonus to melee only pertains to the 1st turn of engagement. Does this mean the dwarves turned left to face their attackers, and that casualties should be removed from the opposite end of the stand?

    To what extent can players not at the table react to events at the table? Ordinarily this concern comes up when Session-Players encounter the plans of Domain-Players week(s) into time-compression, effectively locking the Domain-Player into whatever plans (or lack thereof) they'd laid out in real time. In this instance, after hearing about the battle (I posted it in the falkirk-flugelhorn news-feed after it's completion) a Dwarven-Character declared that if the dwarves marched to battle he would've been with them , consequences be damned. In future, I'll post the outbreak of the battle, and then adjudicate player actions as they come in (e.g. If the Dwarven-Fighter messages insistent that he joins the battle while turn 5 is being fought, starting from turn 5 he'll leave the Inn heading for the battlefield, arriving on turn 20.
    
Dealing with the Aftermath:
    I consider the Goblin-Patron's Campaign Against Falkirk a success (from a gaming perspective, for Mayor Sneeks it was a very mixed outcome.) Going forward I expect other Patrons not present at the battle to be interested in rebuilding Falkirk. It has economic significance to some, military value to others, and other sorts of strategic importance to still others. I however intend to capitalize on the success by introducing a few more Domain-Players, and generally complexifying the situation.

The Road to Falkirk - The Battle

A fair fight is a losing proposition.

Oct 28- Late at Night:
    The South East Gate of Falkirk is breached. Commander Bongo, leading war-party of orcs, torches a building, steals Farmer Muggins' baby and flees into the desert.  

    Oct 28th is a Thursday night. This is no accident. If there's going to be a session in a given week, it will take place on Friday. The battle of Falkirk is planned for Oct 30th, so this move is designed to direct attention to the East, (the main assault will take place at the South-West Gate) and draw any adventurers out of town on a wild goose chase. Given that the Friday Session (Oct 29th) imploded at the last minute, you may suppose that it was in vain, but I don't.
    
Oct 30:
    The Armies of Gobbiton and New Orc City arrive at the South-West Gate of Falkirk. The main defenders of Falkirk are of course the dwarves. But the Dwarven Embassy is on the East side of town and it's a 1/2 hour walk from the centre of town to any of it's gates. This means that while there was a chance that someone loitering on the wall in the West saw the armies approaching and notified the dwarves, such that the Goblin Coalition arrived to find all the dwarves arrayed before the walls of Falkirk, there was also a chance that the city would be taken by surprise. In this case the dwarves would take half an hour to mobilize, arriving at the battlefield on turns 5, 10, and 15, and taking a full turn to pass through the gate/breach and form up to face the attackers.
   

Discarded U-Track From the Factory
Makes a Serviceable Town Wall and Gate

    And this is why I do not believe the Orcish feint from the East was meaningless. I suspect that the Oracular Power of the Dice took this into consideration when they determined that the town was taken entirely by surprise.
    
    Gobbiton and New Orc City deploy 24" from the walls of Falkirk. The Mayor Grublet Sneeks of Gobbiton chooses the right of the road, placing his Broadswords, Ballistae, and Catapults in the centre, his Light Crossbows and Bugbear/Lizardman Horde further out, and his Wolf/Wolf-Rider Cavalry out on the wing. The decision to place the Broadswords directly in front of the Ballistae was curious, but the Mayor insists it was the right call.

    The The Orcish General Ringo Star places his Artillery in the centre, with his Short-bows further, and his Battle-axes on the wing.

Attackers Deployed

    Of course Falkirk has no defenders to deploy at this time.
    
    The Battle opens with the destruction of the South-West Gate by the 5 Catapults. The Mayor's stated goal is "To Burn The City To The Ground." To that end he has spent much gold acquiring oil for his Catapults. He's even gone so far as to prepare the Goblin Artillerists to douse their siege weapons and burn them on command to prevent them from falling into enemy hands. There will be no retreat. Because of the max height of a projectile of a Light Catapult (10% of it's scale max distance) I rule that he has to first breach the wall, after which point his flaming munitions will take their intended effect.
    

Falkirk's Gate Destroyed
and Walls Breached

    After the barrage, the Mayor advances his most of his forces sending the Cavalry right up to the wall. The Orcs hold position.
    

Army of Gobbiton Advances

    Just before the 1st Dwarven Century of Halberdiers (under the command of Centurion Boðvarr) arrives, the Catapults finish reloading, and fire into the city. Falkirk begins to burn. As Centurion Boðvarr tries to array his forces on the plain, the Goblin Cavalry wheels (presumably at no cost given that they're unorganized) and crashes into his flank. The dwarves take and fail their first morale check, becoming shaken. Before they can regroup, the Goblin Broadswords clear the line of fire, and 8 Ballista bolts tear through the Century. The dwarves become disordered. The dwarves flee.
    

Wolf-Riders Crash Into
Dwarven Flank

    Now the 2nd Dwarven Centurion has a choice, does he go in on turn 10 with one Century, or does he wait until turn 15 for the 3rd Dwarven Century to arrive? I give it even odds, a d6 determines that Centurion Hundr waits for Centurion Hroaldr and his troops before making their sortie.
    
    The attackers are happy to hold position and bombard the city with fire until then.
    
    Eventually the two Dwarven Centuries march out. The Wolf-Riders, Bugbear/Lizardman Horde, Crossbows and Short-bows make contact. The dwarves manage to rout the Wolf-Riders and Horde, but when the Goblins drop a Catapult stone into their formation, they break too.
    

Orcish Shortbows Move to Engage

    The allies launch a few more volleys into the city, and Mayor Sneeks asks General Star if he'd like to stick around and level the city-walls for a few days.
    
Sept 29- New Orc City:
    General Ringo Star calls a war-council. A messenger has just arrived from Gobbiton proposing an alliance between Gobbiton and New Orc City for an assault on their mutal enemy Falkirk. Commander Bongo, normally the leader of the Orcish Light Catapults speaks up. Commander Bongo volunteers to lead a daring night-raid on Falkirk to draw their attention away from the main assault, and argues passionately that as soon as victory is certain, the Orcs should betray the Goblins.
    
Oct 30- Falkirk:
    Mayor Sneeks asks General Star if he'd like to stick around and level the city-walls for a few days. General Ringo Star responds by turning his Artillery on the advanced army of Gobbiton. "Compliments of Commander Bongo," he says as the Artillerists fire. Mayor Sneeks gives the order to burn the Goblin Artillery and flees the field. The Orcs do not pursue.

    Falkirk burns.

Army Of Gobbiton Flees

The Butcher's Bill:
    Gobbiton
        20 Wolf-riders
        2 Lt Catapults (Equipment Only)
        5 Ballistae (Equipment Only)
        20 Lt Crossbows
        3 Broadswords
        1 Lizardman
        3 Bugbears
        
    Falkirk
        39 1st Halberdiers
        58 2nd Halberdiers
        50 3rd Halberdiers    
    
    New Orc City
        30 Catapult Stones
        15 Ballista Bolts
        240 Arrows
        
Post-Game to Follow.

The Road to Falkirk - Forces in Motion

Oct 20th 861:
    An army files out of New Orc City. The General Ringo Starr leads the main body West to Gobbiton, to link up with Mayor Grublet Sneeks' forces and march on Falkirk, hitting the city at the South or South-West gate just before sunrise on Oc 30.
    A smaller detachment heads East. Commander Bongo (A half-orc PC) has orders to lead 30 orcs in a night raid on the night of Oct 28. The raiders will attempt to force the East gate, upset the peace, and then flee East into the Desert. All this to soften the ground for the main blow from the West on Oct 30.
    And in Falkirk? Certainly none of the PC's are prepared. Despite the clear and present Goblin Menace, and the recently ambushed Goblin Diplomats (one of whom escaped the trap) the players seem utterly unconcerned. There is at this point very little hope that a last minute discovery of what's afoot prompts a desperate flight to seek aid which arrives just in the nick of time. As happened, honestly and fairly at the last Siege of Falkirk.

    This is not to say that the town is undefended. The Dwarven Centurions Boðvarr, Hundr, and Hroaldr along with three centuries of Dwarven Halberdiers remain in Falkirk at the pleasure of the Dwarf-Lord Grimdalr Stonehelm.
    
Forces:
    Falkirk:
        Dwarven Halberdiers            24 Figures
        Dwarven Heroes                 3
        
    Gobbiton:
        Goblin Swords                   5 Figures
        Goblin Light Crossbows          5 Figures
        Goblin Wolf Riders (Plus Mounts) 4 Figures
        Wolves                          3 Figures
        Ballistae (Plus crew)           5
        Light Catapults    (Plus crew)  2
        Bugbears                        1 Figure
        
    New Orc City:
        Orcish Battle-Axes              15 Figures
        Orcish Shortbows                6 Figures
        Light Catapults (Plus crew)     3
        Ballistae (Plus crew)           3

While the Dwarves should be very effective at melee range, (their halberds are long enough to allow all 8 figures to do damage to an enemy unit) they move slowly. With no ranged support, marching into the teeth of an artillery barrage, the odds seem to favour the attackers.

At any rate, the pieces are in motion, the miniatures are painted, and there's little left to do but wait for the 30th. 

 

Goblin Wolf-riders

Attacking Army

All the Miniatures Laid Out

Dwarven Centurion

23 Life Finds a Way

Session 23
Life Finds a Way

Aug 27-28, 861

Foreword
    A session that was just for the fellas

Session Report
    The players wanted another session into mapping the Jungle. The two players brought along nine hirelings to handle any Lizardmen that cropped up. An hour or so in, the party encountered a small flock of chicken-sized dinosaurs. The party panicked, but the dino's weren't really interested in them. The miles rolled by. Just before nightfall the party encountered 4 Lizardmen with bulging loot sacks, and broad-bladed bronze spears.
    It was an efficient battle. The archers discharged a volley. The first rank of footmen came to grips. The rear ranks of footmen flanked, surrounded, and pressed in on the Lizardmen, killing them all.
    Now for the loot. The 5017 gp the Lizardmen were carrying would be too heavy for any one party member, so the players decided to split the coin evenly amoungst the eleven party-members.
    Another mile or two, and it was time to make camp, and allocate the watches. While this happened I quickly rolled to determine encounters for the night, and there were none, what a shame. Then Rafnan spoke up.
    "Actually I want to wander over there to that big tree, and cast "Spider Climb," and make my way up 30 feet into the canopy, and sleep there."
    Brilliant! This clearly constitutes a separate encampment, and deserves it's own encounter rolls. Dice indicated an encounter just before sunrise. The roll on this encounter table for this part of the Jungle turned up "Roll on the Dinosaur Sub-Table." Rolling on the Dinosaur Sub-Table indicates... Antrodemus (Allosaurus). Oh Boy.
    "You wake up eye-to-eye with this large reptilian creature."
    "You mean it's on the branch with me?"
    "No, it's standing on the ground."
    "So it's looking up at me?"
    "No."
    "I'm 30 feet in the air!"
    "Yes."
    "Oh. oh."
    Here the session bogged down for a few minutes with "Alaskan Bull Worm" jokes. When we got back on track Rafnan had a plan. If he was eye-to-eye with this thing, he figured, it should be a small thing to hop down from the branch onto the Antrodemus's shoulder. A successful roll indicated that yes, he was able to avoid the jaws of the beast and land on it's shoulders. At 6d damage per 10 feet of fall, jumping from the Antrodemus' shoulder wasn't a live option, and this player wasn't dumb enough to try to rodeo ride a bucking dino. Only one option remained:
    "I want to Fred Flintstone down this thing's back and tail."
    And the same dice that had delivered me this beautiful sheila now seemed hell-bent on denying me the carnage such a beast truly deserved, as Rafnan made it safely to the ground and lit out toward the other camp screaming to wake up, mount up, and ride out.
    Of course, this would take a round or so. With a terrific roar, the Antrodemus crashed into the scrum of horses and adventurers, landing two claws and a bite on the Gallant of Barsoom Apollodoris. Apolodoris was unconscoius and bleeding, but not dead. Marius, one of his hirelings, tried to tie their horses to each other so they could ride out together. The Antrodemus got him too. Rafnan shouted to the survivors to scatter. He hoped to draw the Antrodemus away from Apollodoris, so that he could circle back and heal Apollodoris and Marius and get them all safely back to town.
    Apollodoris, Marius, Rafnan, and his hirelings Poul and Edgar made it back to Falkirk on the 28th. Due to the Oracular Power of the Dice, however, none of the hirelings that scattered made it out of the Jungle, or even out of the path of the Antrodemus.
    The Antrodemus now wanders the steamy depths of the Jungle with 2736gp clinking away in it's stomach.
    
Afterword
    You'd think a score like the players garnered from the Lizardmen would be grounds to turn back to town (~15 miles away) to bank the loot before doing any more mapping.

Dramatis Personae
    Dunsany, Human Light Footman, Level 0, Aug 28th 861, Hunted down by the Antrodemus
    Howard, Human Light Footman, Level 0, Aug 28th 861, Hunted down by the Antrodemus
    Gregory, Human Light Footman, Level 0, Aug 28th 861, Hunted down by the Antrodemus
    Bede, Human Light Footman, Level 0, Aug 28th 861, Hunted down by the Antrodemus
    Eliade, Human Shortbowman, Level 0, Aug 28th 861, Hunted down by the Antrodemus
    Winston, Human Shortbowman, Level 0, Aug 28th 861, Hunted down by the Antrodemus
    
    Rafnan, Half-elf Prestidigitator-Acolyte of the Moon
    Apollodoris, Gallant of Barsoom
    
    Poul, Human Shortbow men
    Edgar, Marius, Human Lightfootmen

22 Filth and Pennies as Usual

Session 22
Filth and Pennies as Usual

Aug 24-27, 861

Foreword
    Heavy-weight players of Carxaris and Bartholomeus hit it and quit it like James Brown in a 2-hour session. Also, the GM fails to demonstrate basic reading comprehension.

Session Report
    Carx' and Bart's players had been sitting on some leads garnered from library books for a month or two. Bartholomeus had inherited a volume of "Mosses, Lichens, and Sedges of the Iron Desert" which contained a map which showed the rough location of the Lost City of Jakalla. And Carxaris had a volume of "Sewers of Jakalla, Design and Construction" from which she'd gleaned a partial map of the extensive sewer complex.
    Carx' had to hire new soldiers as all her previous contacts had joined the Falkirk Town Guard back before the Seige of Falkirk. With some fresh recruits, the party was ready to head out into the Desert.
    "Where do you want to start looking?"
    "30 miles due East of the Library." An educated guess, given that the map showed the edge of the Desert, but not Falkirk. It was correct. A few days later they arrived at the ruined foundations of the city, and followed a staircase down into the darkness of the Sewers.
    They couldn't budge the 1st door they came to, so they had to spend time loudly hacking it to bits with their halberds. This of course triggered a wandering monster on the other side 8 Goblins plus the 2 Giant Ants that would've been there anyway. The monsters charged, but couldn't land a hit. The halberdiers' made short work of the ants and then routed the goblins.
    "Alright we'll loot the goblins. I assume it's just pennies and filth as usual?"
    28sp
    "OOOOOH 28sp! Now we're really cooking aren't we? What about the ants?"
    Let's see here, treasure type Q (x3),S , plug that into the ole Donjon aaaand...
    "Two Gems and 6 Glass Flasks filled with liquid." Wait, on Ants? Really, treasure type Q (x3),S ... Smokes! I'd given them the treasure room treasure! Well, relax, perhaps they'll delve deeper and get themselves killed.
    "Whelp, we'd better be going. There's 60 miles of nonsense encounters between us and the Potion-Dealer."
    No encounters on the return. Potions sold for 4700gp. Level up training all 'round. And Carxaris commissioned matching cloaks for her retinue.
    
Afterword
    An avoidable mistake. Mea Culpa. The good news is that Training requirements (cost, finding a mentor, time, maxed out XP) help to ballast the game against GM goofs like this.

Dramatis Personae
    Carxaris, Half-elf Veteran-Prestidigitator
    Bartholomeus, Human Initiate of the Brawny Brothers of Bearistotle
    
    Quill, Jill, Human Short-bow men
    Bill, Will, Phil, Human Light-footmen