Well, I had to do it. This week saw one of the greatest pop culture moments ever and true to the nature of this blog, it is only appropriate that I write about it. Okay, I’m being incredibly facetious by calling this one of the greatest pop culture moments. But it certainly did dominate social media conversation this week. I am, of course, talking about the finale of the latest season of The Bachelorette.

Yes, it’s a completely silly and eye-roll worthy show and we should all be ashamed of ourselves for watching and having kept the franchise going for all these years. However, like many, the franchise remains a silly way for me to relax on a Monday night. Something to snark about with friends and via Twitter.

Thus, I never had any interest or intention of writing about it on this blog, even though it has been a staple of reality television pop culture for more than a decade. That is, until this week’s finale, when a firestorm erupted online in response to the latest Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay’s, final choice. A lot of the reaction irritated, annoyed and disturbed me enough to want to write this article.

A little back story, in case you’re one of the few who didn’t watch this season. It began with much hype and excitement due to Lindsay’s being the first African American lead in the show’s history. Expectations from many for the season were high. And right off the bat, many viewers fell for one contestant, who incidentally had the first one on one date. That was Peter Kraus. A quick glance at social media as the season progressed made it clear that an intense swell of support and cult-like adoration was building around him. Put it simply, viewers (who let’s face it are mostly female) LOVED this guy. And that love meant they were all rooting for Lindsay to choose him. And well, in Monday’s finale, she didn’t.

Before I go any further, let me get this out of the way. Go ahead and start pelting your tomatoes now. I never boarded the Peter Love Train. I didn’t get it then and I still don’t get it now. All season long I thought he was an okay looking guy, with lovely eyes and the personality of wallpaper. Not to mention a rather cringe-worthy grasp of the English language. But you know what, I’m just a spectator here. This was about Rachel’s “journey to find love” and there was no question that girl was smitten after that first one on one with Peter. But here was the rub regarding Peter and Rachel’s relationship – he, in my opinion, was never as into her as she was into him.

I know many viewers disagreed because to be honest, they were just as blinded by the pretty package as Rachel appeared to be. So like Rachel, many ignored the many times he sat with practically an ocean of space between them, how she had to ask him to kiss her, how he kissed her more than once with his arms clutched to his chest, how when she got emotional discussing his not feeling ready to propose at the end of the season, he sat and awkwardly patted her shoulder. None of that mattered because Peter was “hot and perfect” and so obviously he was the right man for Rachel.

Now let me be very clear about something. I don’t have an issue with a contestant acknowledging the ridiculousness of proposing to someone after knowing them for only approximately eight weeks, during which time they are dating other people and the two at best spend maybe a total of ten to fifteen hours of solid quality time together. I am not even going to point out the obvious, that that is the premise of the show and it’s ridiculous to agree to do it in the first place. So yes, despite Peter’s willingly signing up and agreeing to be a part of a show with such a ridiculous premise, I don’t begrudge his realistically not feeling ready to propose to Rachel in the short time they had.

My issue with all of the conversation and teeth gnashing in the aftermath of Monday’s finale is the villainizing of and backlash against Rachel that occurred. Viewers were PISSED and downright OFFENDED at this woman for the choice that she made, insisting that she chose a ring over true love. True love – really? That’s what Peter and Rachel had? Because I saw something entirely different and that’s certainly not what I got based on how Rachel described their time together and her experience of being with him.

Before I get into specifics of how Rachel described her relationship with Peter, I want to take a quick trip down memory lane to her elimination scene on Nick’s season.

Let me quote what Rachel said in the limo after her exit – “It’s hard to hear how great you are and how much love someone has for you but then they still don’t choose you and I swear that’s like the story of my life. I want someone to have [like] that undeniable, unconditional, unexplainable love for me.”

Those words were for me the words of a woman who had struggled in past relationships where she questioned her worth and felt not good enough. Throughout the season, during interviews, where she couldn’t reveal who she was engaged to but shared some of her mindset throughout the process, Rachel said multiple times that for years she went after the relationships that were challenging. The men who were emotionally unavailable or a struggle in some way because she believed that if it wasn’t difficult or hard, then it wasn’t real and it was boring.

And the reality is that mindset when it comes to romantic relationships is not so surprising and I saw it echoed plenty in a lot of the over the top reactions on social media, particularly in response to how the breakup with Peter happened (i.e. it was so emotional that it must mean they are meant to be). It was something right out of a Hollywood movie or teen drama – there were tears, declarations of love as she walked away, a last tear-soaked make out, his seeming break down, etc. You couldn’t script it better.

It’s not surprising that so many fell for it and bought into the hype. Just look at the number of movies and television shows where the most twisted relationships and couples tend to be the most popular. Hollywood and entertainment have conditioned many to think the best relationships are the most dramatic and angsty and painful ones. And it goes all the way back to Greek Tragedies and Shakespeare, where for so many years, Romeo & Juliet was heralded as such a romantic story. When in truth it was about the senseless deaths of two immature morons. Because what no one ever talks about is how real life doesn’t get a credits roll and everything is fine. In real life, what seems so romantic and passionate is usually exhausting and painful to live day in and day out.

But people saw a long drawn out goodbye with tears and decided that Peter and Rachel were meant to be. And so it didn’t matter that many times throughout the season in several interviews, Rachel also said that the experience with Peter often left her feeling insecure and not good enough and questioning what was wrong with her. How many times she talked about the frustration of this constant push and pull where on one hand he would tell her about the life they would have down to the type of bed they would get for their house and children and daily routine, etc. but then still say he wasn’t ready to propose to her and felt ready to take that serious step of commitment with her.

None of that mattered to viewers because the only thing they saw was that Peter is hot and that means he is perfect, he and Rachel cried during their long drawn out dramatic breakup and so she should have picked him. Many accused her of settling and just being so desperate for a ring that it was the only reason she chose Bryan.

I am not going to go through the myriad of reasons I disagree with that, especially Bryan’s being a rebound. But fine if some want to think she was oh so madly in love with Peter and only wanted a ring, then I can accept the argument that she shouldn’t have chosen anyone. What I have struggled with this week and been bothered by is the insistence that she should have chosen Peter.

She should have chosen the guy who made her question her worth. She should have chosen someone who couldn’t promise or give her what she wanted and said she wanted right from the start. She should have compromised her needs, her feelings and wants. So basically it all should have been about HIM. That is not love and anyone who thinks it is, then I say, “Look at your life and look at your choices”.

But truly, this isn’t even the core of my outrage and disturbance with the reaction to this finale. During Peter and Rachel’s breakup, at one point, he says to her with frustration and annoyance in his tone, “Fine, go find someone to have a mediocre life with”.

There aren’t many things that truly shock or surprise me anymore when it comes to reality television. But I quite literally gasped in my living room when those words were said. And let us be very clear for anyone who will argue that it was no different than Bryan’s saying Rachel not picking him would be a mistake.

It is one thing to say to someone that you believe walking away from the relationship you two have is a mistake and another to basically insinuate that their life without you will be mediocre. That to me is akin to the type of comments an abuser makes when a person gets the strength to leave. The “You can’t leave because who are you without me?” In that moment, I found the depth of this man’s arrogance astounding.

But that’s not where the story ended. During the live after show, the comment was addressed and Peter acknowledged he shouldn’t have said that. Rachel responded that she wasn’t living a mediocre life and instead was living her best life. She did so with a bit of sass in her body language and rightly so in my opinion after she was essentially insulted by this man. When they got back from commercial, Peter proceeds to state how he felt he was being attacked. Rachel, in typical lawyer mode, challenged him on the accusation because she was right, it was a strong word. He couldn’t respond.

But he didn’t have to because the seeds were effectively planted and social media went crazy, accusing Rachel of “attacking” Peter. She was deemed rude and mean and many insisted that she was still bitter and still in love with him. I watched the entire conversation and I saw two people slightly uncomfortable around each other and a woman simply explaining how she felt during the process and the relationship between them. But suddenly she was deemed an “angry bitter black woman” because a 6-feet white man declared that he felt attacked by a barely 5’5 black woman. Yes, I just went there.

And it got even more baffling. More than once during their conversation, Rachel stated that she felt that maybe the process of the show wasn’t the best fit for Peter since based on his own words, he needed time to develop a relationship and to commit to a woman. Social media accused her of deliberately sabotaging his possibly, and let’s face it likely, chance of being the next Bachelor. To some, this man is practically owed being made the next Bachelor and Rachel was simply evil to put that at risk.

And this is where I was particularly confused. Because many of these same viewers were the ones who insisted how reasonable and mature and realistic Peter was for not thinking the timeline and format of the show were fitting to propose to someone. Yet, he should be the next Bachelor? What, is the format of the show changing and no one told me?

The fact is, it became increasingly obvious to me throughout the season that for many this was no longer about Rachel and her needs and what was best for her. It was about Peter Kraus and how hot he was and how many really, really, did I mention really, thirsty women wanted to do him and so were living vicariously through Rachel. The historical season of the first African American female lead became less about her and about the needs and wants of a white former model.

And you know what, fine – I could live with that. Because the fact is, the show’s audience is predominantly women. What I couldn’t live with is how this woman was later shamed, insulted and attacked for not doing what some decided she should have and for not diminishing her needs and wants to what a man wanted. Feminist rant ahead as I conclude this very long article.

First of all, it is not settling to not compromise on what you as a woman want and feel you deserve from a man – period. Yes, relationships do require compromise and work but not at the expense of what you feel you deserve. Two, if anyone EVER at any point of a relationship makes you feel not good enough or question your worth, leave. That is not love, period. Three, in the words of Queen Oprah Winfrey, “love doesn’t hurt. Love should make you feel good” – good about yourself, your self-worth, etc. Hollywood lied to us folks. Love is not an endless pit of angst and tears. That is not passionate and proof that it is real. It is proof that it is something unhealthy and dysfunctional.

Like I said, reading all of the reaction online to this finale, some even from intelligent bloggers and recappers more qualified in their writing than me, was very eye-opening and not in a good way. As women, we deserve and should want better for ourselves. Pretty boys with nice abs are a dime a dozen. End rant.