After the last two years, save for the millionaires whose profits seem to be increasing (see: escalating grocery prices and those eyeing new prospects for development on protected green spaces in Ontario), many of us are just surviving.

In this context, is it even possible to achieve the elusive goal of being better than our best for the kids in our lives?

Likely not, to the extent we’d all like, but I do think we can inch the tiniest bit forward with a little TLC. And how would we do that? With my fool-proof three-step self-care plan, of course.

JUST KIDDING!

I have no such plan, and would never reduce coping with the complex challenges facing us with a basic self-care plan, but I do hope some of these thoughts and links – formatted as a a fool-proof three-step plan – make you feel seen and provide some solace.

Acknowledge the tough stuff

• The grief of becoming a new parent during the pandemic byDoree Shafrir

• For families with neurodiverse kids, managing family dynamics during the holidays

• The human rights situation in Iran. The December 6 anniversary when a man killed 14 women, mostly engineering students, at Polytechnique Montréal. Decreased health care capacity in Ontario. And on and on.

Self-soothe and regulate

• With humour, even (maybe especially) if it’s making light of the tough stuff

• Find your equivalents to my drinking a coffee while reading for pleasure before everyone wakes up in the morning, or getting back to exercising intensely.

• Don’t scroll in bed, before bed. Just don’t fuckin’ do it. ← This is a note to self. I wouldn’t swear at you.

  

  Catherine Price (@_catherineprice) • Instagram photo

Reflect and plan

• I never finish this entire workbook, but I’ve come back to it every year since I first learned about it because it never makes me feel like I have to complete it. It’s called Year Compass and it’s for reflecting on the last year and thinking about the year ahead. And, it’s free!

• I resisted the word for the year ahead trend until this year when I loosely chose a word that, in the end, proved to be pretty spot on for me in 2022. Was it relevant because I chose it, or did I chose it and so it became relevant? I’ll never know, but I appreciate the process nonetheless. If you’re curious about a word of the year for yourself, get inspired with Lucrecer Braxton’s pretty text art.

He’s running circles outside around the perimeter of our house. I’m annoyed we can’t get him inside, so I turn to what’s worked before, even though it’s the exact opposite of how I want to parent: I threaten to take away TV for a night.

I know it’s not a logical consequence and I sense the injustice as I’m saying it. He doesn’t even get to watch TV every day and I’m about to snatch it away.

His body is a reflection of all that has overhwelmed his mind that day and I want to act accordingly. I attempt to enlist what I’ve read in Scattered minds: The origins and healing of attention deficit disorder in which Dr. Gabor Maté argues that strengthening attachment and focusing on the relationships will create long-term healing from ADHD and its associated behaviours.

But, I’m overwhelmed, too. And tired.

It’s been a long day, which began with him waking up an hour and a half earlier than usual and proclaiming, “MOM! Easter is here” (very cute, even if the timing was off for the rest of us). Shortly after the egg hunt I left town for the afternoon to have one last visit with my grandmother who was on life support. It’s the first close death he’s experiencing and he’s wavering between asking a lot of practical medical questions and wanting to avoid the topic altogether. While I was gone they visited with his birth grandparents and tried out a new video game. After I returned we chatted with another set of parents over video.

Needless to say, it was a big and overstimulating day for the adults in the house.

His behaviour was simply a physical manifestation of how we all felt.

monadelahooke

A post shared by Dr. Mona Delahooke (@monadelahooke)

Reading, watching, listening

An alternative to shaming. One mom’s personal reflection on how to respond when a young kid physically hurts another kid.

Debbie Reber, host of TILT parenting, speaks with Casey O’Roarty about neurodivergent kids and positive discipline – which we quickly learn she wishes was called “connected discipline.”

Kids grieve differently than adults. Here are some ideas about how to support your kids (and preschoolers) through the death of a loved one.

Finally, one of my favourite videos of all time turns the ideas that laziness is the culprit for poverty and “hard work leads to success” on their heads. The story we tell about poverty isn’t true is a testament to the “families who are unleashing their ingenuity and tenacity to collectively create their own solutions.”

Over and over again, my professional and personal lives circle around this question: what do kids need from adults?

Most often, the answer comes down to this: kids need the adults in their lives to do better than our best.

How can we possibly do this while also managing competing responsibilities, as well as the seemingly never-ending and increasingly complex internal and external stressors related and unrelated to our relationships with the kids we care for? That’s where this newsletter comes in!

Which kids?

Caring for all kids takes a lot of work. Caring for kids who are struggling in some way requires even more of us, and that’s why this newsletter is written about, for, and, ideally, with kids who are neurodivergent, who live in poverty, who help their families get by, IBPOC children and youth, 2SLGBTQ+ kids, those who are dealing with mental health challenges, and more.

Which adults?

This is for parents (those with kids who are struggling and those wanting to understand what your kids’ peers might be going through), grandparents, caregivers, teachers and other school personnel, community organizations, and policy makers.

What to expect?

My grand vision for Better than our Best is a regular and robust newsletter with links to resources, new research, interviews, book reviews, personal anecdotes, guest posts (that I can pay people for writing), choice quotations, and more!

For now, though, this will be a briefer and more sporadic forum for reflecting on my current PhD work and parenting a neurodivergent kid.

Why Me?

I’ve been working with youth as an advocate since I was easing out of that demographic myself. I’ve since continued to work with children and youth as a program coordinator and researcher. Most recently, I’m doing so as a PhD candidate. My research examines the schooling experiences of youth who help their families make ends meet, with a specific focus on how significant adults can best support these youth at school.

I’m also the mom of a neurodivergent kid. I’ve been diving deep into literature and resources, and am keen to share everything I learn with anyone who will listen.

My main goal, always, is to do my part to change minds and attitudes in ways that will spur us to action in ways that help people struggling, because when we do that, everyone benefits. And, as a Social Worker I see the individual, community, and policy as interwoven. We cannot have change in one domain only; rather, change requires looking at the whole ecosystem.

Some housekeeping…

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Thanks again, and please tell a few friends if you feel like it.

This is Better than our Best, a newsletter about what kids need from adults.